Admission: part I

By Aries

 

Salutations. Welcome to my world Here in my world, I do as I please.And *that* means that I choose for there to be no such things as STD's.I also have seen fit to completely ignore the fact that Krycek has a prostheticarm, and hell, I've even given Scully a desk. This is *my* world and mystory. Read all you want, but no one touches it, but me.

 

Fandom: XF

 

Disclaimer:

Mulder, Krycek, Scully and all other X-Files characters who get throwninto this mix, do not belong to me. Chris Carter owns em. I'm sure he won'tmind if I borrow them for a little fun, though.

 

Rated NC-17 This five-parter is not a story for the kiddies If naughtywords and strong same-sexual images disturb you, run! Go and never comeback. Over the duration of the series, there's tons of angst, a touch ofviolence, bad words, a whole bunch of sweet moments and even...dare I sayit...the "L" word thrown in for good measure. If sugar isn't inyour diet, I'll give you a second warning. Run!!

 

Archive: Anywhere. Just let me know where and make sure my name is onit.

 

I love feedback. I crave feedback. I LIVE for feedback. So for goodnesssake, feed me before I knaw off a foot or something. Naturally, flames willbe happily ignored...unless it's really good, in which case it'll be passedaround amongst my friends. They can use a good chuckle as well as I.

 

Author's notes: This is my first slash series. Been working on this thingsince April 98. I'd spent many a late night now, in my bed, at work, inmy car, anyplace I could, scribbling down little notes and ideas. Now, it'sfinally all done. Gonna go back now and read the whole thing over to seeif I still like it. <g> If you're reading this, I've obviously decidedthat it wasn't an entirely worthless effort. So without further ado...

 

Oh, damn...did I give a summary? Uhhhhhhhh, nope. Okay...

 

Summary for Part I: Krycek gets caught in Mulder's apartment. Fight.(Sort of) Talk. (Kinda) Denial. (of course) Admission (hence the title)Sex. (naturally) Self Loathing. (you didn't expect the hearts and flowersright away, did you?)

 

Okay so...

 

Oh....wait.....I gotta thank a few people. Big shout outs to Nicole,The Tenth Muse, Deb and Donna for their beta services and infinite enthusiasm.I love you kids to pieces!!!

 

Special thanks to Pat for loving this thing and making my residual doubtsand fears vanish. You made it complete.

 

Okay....NOW....

 

********************

 

Sleepless hours and dreamless nights and far aways Heaven knows and lordit shows when I'm awake Wishing you were here

 

Same old show in a different town of another kind Even though you'refar away, you're on my mind Wishing you were here

 

And I'd like to change my life, and you know I would Just to be withyou tonight, baby, if I could But I've got my job to do, and I do it well,So I guess that's how it is..

Wishing you were here

 

On the road it's a heavy load, but I'll get by Pay the price, make asacrifice, and still I'll try Wishing you were here

Wishing you were here

 

Wishing You Were Here ~ Chicago

 

********************

 

Friday, 10:35 p.m.

 

Fox Mulder moved deftly through the dark apartment, stopping only whenhe reached his desk. The soft click of the lamp switch was followed by thedim illumination of the immediate area. The rest of the room remained fairlyblack. Forty watts in a room this size just didn't do it.

 

He removed his charcoal suit jacket and tossed it across the swivel chairbehind the desk. He loosened his tie even as he fished around under thestacks of files and papers. His hand came in contact with a long, smoothobject. He curled his fingers around the cool hardness and pulled the remotecontrol out of the mess. He flicked the television on, adding a bit morelight to the muted gloom. He removed his holster and laid it across thecoffee table, then settled back onto the sofa.

 

He really didn't know why he turned the t.v. on, he was in no mood towatch anything. Even a selection from his video collection held no alluretonight. All he really wanted to do was sleep. But sleep eluded him - likethe meanings of his fragmented dreams. Like the truth behind the disappearanceof Samantha. Like the simple joy he might find in the welcoming smile ofa loved one as he walked through the door, at the end of a long day.

 

His eyes slid closed. Not that there was any sleep to be found behindhis lids. There was just nothing else to do...yet. Mulder's eyes snappedopen at the faint rustle that came from the direction of his bedroom. Inone fluid movement, he spun to his feet and released his Sig Sauer fromthe holster.

 

 

There had been no sign of forced entry. No clues that anyone had beenthere. He knew he was exhausted and those two whiskey sours that he'd tosseddown at the airport bar before he came home, probably didn't do much tohelp his already dulled senses, but that *was* a noise, he was sure of it.

 

Mulder crept to the doorway then flattened himself out against the wall,gun positioned just parallel with his head. He took two deep breaths, thenkicked the door open. Bloodshot hazel eyes squinted into the almost darkroom, determining that there was no one there. Cautiously, he entered theroom, eyes scanning the darkness as he moved toward the closet. He nudgedthe already partially open door with his foot and quickly stepped into thedoorway, pointing his Sig out before him.

 

Nothing.

 

Immediately, his head turned toward the bed. He moved over to it andflipped the cover off. He jumped back, pointing the gun downward. Aftera second, he bent to have a look. Again, nothing.

 

Satisfied that it might have been his imagination after all, he securedhis weapon and left the room - just in time as it turned out, to see a darkfigure breaking from the bathroom into the hall. Mulder gave chase and tackledthe intruder just before he reached the door. The two struggled brieflybefore Mulder was able to turn the man over onto his back. His eyes glitteredwith a murderous rage when the all too familiar face became visible.

 

"Krycek?!? What are you doing here?"

 

Krycek smirked up at him. "Lovely to see you too, Mulder. Miss me?"

 

His answer came in a sharp blow to the jaw.

 

Krycek's eyes squeezed shut as he ran his tongue over his split bottomlip.

 

"Shit!"

 

Mulder held the collar of his jacket together in one hand, almost cuttingoff his air, fist curled, poised to resume the assault.

 

"What the fuck are you doing in my apartment?" His only answercame in a tight gasp. He loosened his grip slightly. "Now talk."

 

"I was just in the neighborhood and thought I'd come by for a littlevisit...and this is the welcome I get."

 

Mulder startled him with a stinging backhand.

 

"Usually, when people visit, they actually want to *see* who itis they're visiting. Now for once in your fucking miserable life, tell thetruth. What do you want?"

 

Krycek raised a hand carefully to his cheek and rubbed it. He gave noverbal response, but the look in his green eyes was somehow response enough.And it unnerved Mulder...a lot. Suddenly he was very aware that they wereon the floor and he was straddling Krycek's slim hips. The faint stirringin his body shocked him. He rose to his feet, pulling Krycek up by his jacket.He raised his weapon and trained it on his former partner.

 

"One funny move and I'll blow your head off." Mulder draggedhim to the sofa and threw him down on it. "Who sent you here?"

 

"No one."

 

He released the safety. "I'll give you five seconds to re-thinkyour answer."

 

Krycek looked up at him with the same disturbing gaze that had made himso uneasy just a few minutes before. He spoke softly. "Would you reallykill me?"

 

"Try me."

 

He sighed softly. "I haven't done anything. I only got here a fewminutes before you did. You were supposed to be gone till tomorrow."

 

"Gee, sorry I ruined you plans," Mulder sneered. "Whichwere what, by the way? Would I have been killed or simply maimed?"

 

"Mulder, you know that if they wanted you dead or incapacitated,you *would* have been by now."

 

"They. Now we're getting somewhere. Who exactly are *they*?"

 

"You know who *they* are."

 

"What did they send you here for?"

 

Krycek studied him for a moment, then spoke. "I'm going to reachin my pocket. One hand, okay?"

 

In a second, Mulder was there, slapping his hand away from his jacket.He reached into the pocket and withdrew a small device.

 

"They wanted to monitor you. I was supposed to plant that."

 

Mulder laughed softly, almost to himself, then addressed Krycek. "Youknow how many times they've tried to *monitor* me? I thought they wouldhave given up by now." He tossed the tiny camera onto the table. Hiseyes narrowed on his unwelcome company. "And why you?" Any dronecould have hooked this up. I'd have thought they'd have better things forcold-blooded killers to do."

 

Krycek responded softly, his eyes cast downward. "I didn't killyour father. Or Scully's sister. I wish you could believe that. And I volunteeredto do this."

 

Mulder glared at him. "First of all, what do you care what I believeand second, why would you volunteer to come here?"

 

Krycek hesitated, then looked up into Mulder's eyes. "I could coverboth of those questions in one answer, but..." He shook his head, almostimperceptibly and lowered it once again.

 

"But what? Answer them!"

 

"I don't think you really want me to."

 

Mulder advanced toward him and held the muzzle of his weapon to Krycek'sforehead. "Yeah, I really do."

 

"Do you ever wonder, Mulder, why when you're around me, you can'tseem to control your violent tendencies?"

 

"Gee, I don't know Krycek. Couldn't have anything to do with thefact that you *killed my father*!"

 

Krycek raged back, not caring that there was a cocked pistol aimed athis head. "For the last fucking time, I did *not* kill your fuckingfather!" He took full advantage of Mulder's momentary discomposureand lunged at him. They rolled onto the floor, wrestling for the gun. Krycekmanaged to straddle his chest and kneel on his arms. Mulder howled withrage, as his Sig was pried from his hand.

 

"I've had enough of this shit," Krycek heaved, holding theweapon against Mulder's temple. Mulder glared up at him defiantly.

 

"Go ahead, man. You can do it." He shrugged "Piece ofcake, right?"

 

Krycek shook his head, almost sadly. "You don't get it, do you?"He secured the gun, then gently drew the barrel down Mulder's cheek. "Idon't want to kill you." Mulder swallowed against the huge lump thathad suddenly risen in his throat. "I just want...I want to talk."

 

"About?"

 

"About you...me." Krycek got up and handed the gun back tohim. Mulder rose to his feet and backed away.

 

"Awful big chance you're taking, giving me my weapon back. How doyou know I won't kill you where you stand?"

 

"I *don't* know for sure. I'm just...I'm reading something here.In your voice...your eyes. It's something I've suspected...for some time.Or maybe I just hoped for it...I don't know."

 

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

 

"We're attracted to each other, you and I."

 

"*What*?"

 

"From that first day...in the bullpen. I felt it and I think youdid, too."

 

"Oh, you're a sicker puppy than I thought you were," Muldersaid, with total disgust.

 

"Then put me out of my misery. Go ahead, you've got the gun."He stood, waiting.

 

Mulder did not raise the gun, but he didn't put it down, either. "Getout of here, you goddamn fag. If it's an ass fucking you're looking for,try the bar downtown. I'm sure somebody there will be more than happy tooblige you."

 

"I don't want to go to any bar. I am where I want to be. With theman I want to be with."

 

"You just said it, fairy. *Man*. I'm a *man*!"

 

"Believe me, I *know* you're a man. I wouldn't want you if you weren't."

 

Mulder began to pace. "I don't believe this. I don't *fucking* believethis." He whirled to face Krycek. "Get our ass out of here, beforeI pound you into nothing!"

 

"And that's the only way I can get you to touch me, isn't it? It'sthe only way you can put your hands on me without feeling any guilt or doubt."Mulder began to pace again, shaking his head. Krycek continued. "Thelast time you were being monitored, before you found the device, I witnessedyour encounter with a blonde woman." Mulder's head snapped around andhe glared at Krycek. "The earth didn't exactly move for you, did it?"Before Mulder could respond, he went on. "Oh, I give you credit. Sheleft here a very happy camper, but you got very little, if nothing fromit."

 

"She turned out not to be my type...simple as that."

 

"No, she wasn't your type at all, you're right about that."He lowered his voice, almost to a whisper. "It's just you and me here,Mulder. Tell me what your type really is."

 

Mulder shrugged. "My tastes run more to petite redheads."

 

"Scully?!?" Krycek roared with bitter laughter. "Get offit!"

 

"You asked, and not that it's any of you fucking business, but Itold you. I've wanted Scully for years, now!"

 

"That's the biggest bunch of shit I've ever heard! You don't wanther! Sure, you're partners, and sure you spend more time together than mostmarried couples, but there's about as much sexual attraction between youtwo as there is between that coffee table and your couch! Do you know anAlexandra or an Alexis?"

 

Mulder knitted his brows and placed his hands low on his hips. "*What*?"

 

"Answer."

 

"No! What the hell has *that* got to do with anything?"

 

"I've watched you some nights, in front of the t.v., on the couch...jerkingoff."

 

"Is there no fucking part of my life that's mine alone?"

 

Krycek answered his question with a question. "Did you know I couldread lips?"

 

"So?"

 

"I've watched you touching yourself, stroking you cock with suchgentle hands..."

 

Mulder's respiration deepened.

 

"I've seen you mouth the name 'Alex' on more than one occasion."

 

Mulder was stricken. He looked as though his knees would give out onhim at any moment. Krycek pressed on. "Were you imagining that I washere with you?"

 

"No."

 

"That it was my tongue sliding up and down on you, instead of yourfingers?"

 

"*No*!"

 

Mulder practically fell backward against the desk. Krycek advanced andstood before him.

 

"Look at yourself. You're wrecked. All because of a few words thatI said. What would happen right now if I touched you?"

 

Mulder gritted his teeth. "I'd break your fucking hand."

 

"Cut the shit Fox," Krycek said gently. "You're not foolingeither one of us. Give in," he whispered as his hand slid tentativelyup Mulder's chest to the wild pulse in his throat. "Let me give youwhat you need."

 

Mulder whimpered softly as he felt the warm pressure of this mortal enemy'slips against his. Krycek brushed against his mouth a couple of times beforepulling away. "Tell me what you want, Fox. You can have me any wayyou want me. Just tell me."

 

For a moment, it looked as though Mulder would do just that - just fora moment. Suddenly, violently, he shoved Krycek away.

 

"Get out! Get the fuck out of here and don't you ever let me seeyour face again, or I swear, I'll kill you! *I'll kill you*!"

 

He picked up the nearest object - the phone - and hurled it against thewall. He stumbled toward the sofa, but before he could make it, crumpledto the floor and lay there, arms wrapped around himself, shuddering.

 

Krycek swore softly and kneeled beside Mulder's prone body. Carefully,he lay behind him and tucked his arm around his chest.

 

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do this to you. I just came here toplant the camera. And I only did *that* because it was a way for me to keepsome kind of physical contact with you. I never intended to actually meetup with you. I'm sorry, I just couldn't help it. It's been so long sinceI've spoken with you. I missed your voice. I missed your smell. I neverintended to tell you. I knew that this would turn your life inside out andstill, I did it." He paused for a second, then continued. "You'reright about me. All the times you called me a dirty, worthless son of abitch, you were right. The only real thing in my life was my feelings foryou. And now I've gone and blown that to hell."

 

Mulder didn't move. Krycek wasn't even sure he was breathing. He laythere, eyes closed, arms still wrapped tightly around himself.

 

"I'm leaving, Fox," Krycek murmured in his ear. "I promiseyou, you'll never see me again." He attempted to get up, but was preventedby Mulder's hand, which had closed around the wrist draped over is chest.

 

"Don't go. Please....Alex."

 

Shocked green eyes met glazed hazel eyes.

 

"Are you sure?"

 

Mulder nodded slowly. "Don't leave."

 

The man who Alex Krycek had always considered to be the toughest, mostself-assured person he'd ever known, had suddenly taken on a whole new persona.So much hurt, so much...insecurity and need. Krycek's heart pounded in hischest.

 

//What do I do, now?//

 

//What do you mean, what do you do, now? You stay, stupid. You show himwho you really are.//

 

He resettled his body and pulled Mulder tightly against it. "I won'tleave you," he whispered into his hair. "I promise."

 

They lay together on the floor in silence for a while, then Mulder stirredslightly. "I'm so tired," he said, almost inaudibly.

 

"Why don't you go to bed?" Krycek smiled into the back of hisneck. "I give you my word, I won't kill you in your sleep."

 

"You're word isn't worth a whole hell of a lot, Krycek."

 

"What happened to 'Alex'?"

 

No answer.

 

He slipped his hand under Mulder's cheek and turned his face, so thatthey were eye to eye.

 

"You've got no reason in the world to trust me but...I won't hurtyou. Now, you'll either believe that, or you won't."

 

"What, are there a couple of goons waiting in the shadows to takecare of me, for you?"

 

Krycek shook his head, vehemently. "No. No, no. There's no one waitinganywhere...not that I know of, anyway. And even if there was...they'd haveto come through me to get to you."

 

Mulder shifted onto his back and stared up into those incredibly deepgreen eyes. "So, I'm supposed to believe that while I'm sleeping, you'regoing to stand guard over me?"

 

Krycek shrugged one shoulder. "If that's what you want to call it.I'll just hang out and watch t.v. or something. It's been a long, long timesince I spent an evening in a warm apartment just doing nothing."

 

Mulder regarded him through half-closed lids. "Where do you live?"

 

Krycek's gaze fell to a patch of carpet, just beyond Mulder's head. "Nowhere."

 

"You gotta sleep somewhere."

 

"Usually, I just grab a motel room wherever I happen to be."Not waiting for the next question, Krycek patted him gently on the chestand said, "Come on, get up. Time for bed." He hoisted Mulder upand started to steer him toward the bedroom.

 

"I usually just crash on the sofa."

 

"You ever think that maybe that's the reason why you don't sleepwell?"

 

"You watch me all night, or what?"

 

"Sometimes."

 

"That's more than just a little unnerving, Krycek."

 

"Not any more so than anything else I've said to you tonight, I'llbet."

 

Mulder looked away and said nothing.

 

"Nevermind. Come on."

 

Krycek led him without protest, to the bedroom. When they reached thebed, Mulder dropped down onto it and stretched out on his back.

 

"Aren't you even going to undress?"

 

"Too tired."

 

"Want me to help you?"

 

"No," he snapped, more irritated with himself for consideringthe offer, than he was with Krycek for making it.

 

Krycek held is hands up in a defensive gesture. "Okay, okay, ifyou want to sleep with all your clothes on..."

 

"I do."

 

"Fine. The important thing is that you get some sleep. Close youreyes."

 

Mulder stared up at him. Krycek held his hands out to his sides, palmsupturned and raised his eyebrows. Mulder emitted a heavy sigh and closedhis eyes. Krycek moved away from the bed and slumped down in the room'sonly chair, about six feet away. He watched quietly, as within the spanof roughly ten minutes, Mulder shifted position at least five times. Hemoved again, onto his right side. Then seconds later...

 

"Krycek?"

 

"Hmm?"

 

"You remember when I said I was tired?"

 

"Yeah. Apparently *you* don't..."

 

"I didn't just mean that I was sleepy."

 

"What else did you mean? What else are you tired of?"

 

"Everything." His back remained to Krycek as he spoke. "Allof it. I feel like a rat in a maze, searching for that crumb of cheese atthe end and every time I get close, every time I'm about to get to it, somebodychanges the maze and I have to start all over. I wouldn't...I wouldn't mindall the shit, you know? I wouldn't mind so much if at the end, there wassomething I could hold on to. Something tangible. Proof that it isn't allfor nothing." Krycek rose from the chair and came to sit at the edgeof the bed. He laid a hand on Mulder's shoulder and massaged lightly. Muldercontinued in his soft monotone. "Sometimes I think about just givingit all up. Turning in my badge and moving to Idaho."

 

Soft laughter came from behind him. "Idaho?"

 

"Yup. Become a potato farmer."

 

"You know, that actually doesn't sound all that bad. Think theremight be room on the old homestead for an extra hand?"

 

"You like potatoes?"

 

"Well...they don't lie, they've got no hidden agendas and you don'thave to worry that they're all out to get you."

 

Mulder smiled sadly into his pillow. "Yeah."

 

"It's after twelve-thirty. Go to sleep."

 

Krycek reluctantly pulled his hand from the warmth of Mulder's shoulderand went back to his chair. Several minutes later, Mulder's sleepy voicereached his ears.

 

"Krycek?"

 

"Now what?"

 

"If I wake up dead tomorrow, I'm going to be really pissed."

 

An easy smile graced his partially swollen lips. He leaned his head backagainst the chair. "Goodnight, Fox."

 

"Mulder."

------------------------------------------------------------------------Subscribe, unsubscribe, opt for a daily digest, or start a new e-group athttp://www.eGroups.com -- Free Web-based e-mail groups.Saturday, 4:25 a.m.

 

Krycek's eyes flew open and he sat bolt upright.

 

"Jesus Christ," he grated. "You scared the shit out ofme!"

 

Mulder sat on the floor, in front of the chair, intently observing theman whom he was positive, until last night, had been his sworn enemy.

 

"Are you okay?"

 

"Yeah."

 

Krycek looked around. "What time is it?"

 

"After four."

 

"Have you been awake long?"

 

Mulder shrugged. "Few minutes, I guess."

 

Krycek's brow creased. "Why are you staring at me like that?"

 

"I'm still alive."

 

"Yeah....imagine that."

 

"You kept your word."

 

"Mulder, go back to bed. You need a little more than four hours..."

 

Mulder ignored his words. "Have you moved out of this chair?"

 

"No."

 

"You're going to be stiff, sleeping like this."

 

"I've slept in much worse positions." A faint smile crossedhis lips. "You're worried about me?"

 

Mulder turned away from his warm stare. Krycek pitched forward and cuppedhis cheek in his hand. His thumb brushed back and forth across the lightstubble. "Please look at me." Mulder did as he was asked and metthe rapidly growing heat of Krycek's stare. "Can we stop this? I reallywould like to just stop it."

 

"Stop what?"

 

"This pretense. This...fucking *game* we're playing. You know, normallyI like a good game...especially when I'm playing against an equal...likeyou. But this is no time for that. I *want you*...like you wouldn't believe.And you want me. Now if you can't admit that out loud, if you need help,I'll give it to you. I'll go get your gun and hold it to your head."He snapped his fingers. "It was rape. I forced you. You didn't wantany part of it..." he stroked Mulder's cheek. "no matter how manytimes you screamed my name...no matter how hard you came. The guilt is alloff you. Will that work for you?"

 

Mulder's eyes glittered with anger. He slapped Krycek's hand away. "Fuckyou."

 

"Please do."

 

He saw Mulder's body tense and instinctively knew that another bloodylip was coming his way. He decided to head it off. He sprang from the chairand pushed Mulder to the floor. He held him there, by bringing his fullweight down upon his chest. Mulder roared his fury.

 

"Get off me, you son of a bitch!"

 

"Not until you calm down."

 

"Get off!"

 

"You don't sound calm."

 

"I'll kill you, you asshole! I swear to Christ..."

 

The rest of his tirade was abruptly cut off as Krycek's lips coveredhis. As much as he didn't want it to, his body immediately began to respond.The vibration of his soft moan against Krycek's mouth, drew an almost violentreaction from the younger man. His fingers clutched in Mulder's thick goldenbrown hair and he forced his tongue into the sweet warmth of his mouth.There was a brief struggle before Mulder's body began to relax and submitto the sensual assault. Slowly, his hands traveled up Krycek's back. Theystroked and massaged the taut muscles as his tongue twined around the oneinvading his mouth.

 

Krycek let out a satisfied groan as he felt the ever hardening lengthof Mulder's erection against his thigh. He pulled away just far enough tomumble against his mouth. "I can give you what you want." He lickedthat exquisite lower lip. "I can give you anything you need. I'm theonly one who can. Admit it...to yourself, at least."

 

Mulder's eyes glazed over as he looked up at the man who wanted so desperatelyto become his lover. His breaths came fast and shallow and his body shookuncontrollably.

 

Krycek smoothed the hair back from his face. "Talk to me, Fox. Tellme what you want."

 

Mulder closed his eyes. "It *was* you."

 

"What was me?"

 

"It *was* you I was thinking about. I can't get off anymore, unlessI do."

 

Krycek stroked his outer thigh and breathed into his ear. "I'm herenow, baby. Alex will take care of all your needs."

 

The tears that had been gathering in Mulder's eyes, spilled over andran down the sides of his face. Krycek lowered his head and licked the dampnessaway. The taste of Mulder's tears on his tongue were like nectar. He drewback a few inches and asked softly, "Why are you crying?"

 

"Because," Mulder answered even softer, "I want you andI hate myself for it."

 

"You hate yourself enough already. You don't need to find anotherreason." Krycek's hand slipped between their hips and stroked Mulder'sraging erection through the loose suit pants. "I know how you hatelies..." he squeezed the solid thickness under his hand. "*This*is the truth. Don't deny it."

 

Mulder reached up and tentatively stroked the tips of his fingers acrossKrycek's lips, pausing on the cut he'd given him just a few hours before.His thumb stroked it slowly and he was rewarded with a soft groan. Krycekallowed him a few more seconds of exploration, before taking two fingersinto his mouth.

 

What could only be described as an electrical surge, shot through themiddle of Mulder's body. "Jesus," he moaned through gritted teeth."Alex..."

 

Krycek sucked his fingers deep into his mouth, swirling his tongue aroundthem. Mulder's head rolled on the hardwood and his breath came in raggedgasps.

 

Cool air replaced moist warmth as Krycek abruptly released Mulder's fingers."Let's get comfortable."

 

Mulder was in no condition to protest, as he was pulled to his feet andled to the bed. Krycek pushed him down onto the mattress then stepped back.His eyes stayed riveted on Mulder's as he unbuttoned his shirt and removedit. He almost let it drop to the floor, then thought better of it. He extendedhis arm and held the shirt out in offering. Mulder hesitantly reached forwardand took it from his loose grip. He lay it carefully in his lap and absentlystroked the black cotton while turning his eyes back to admire the lean,muscular torso of his soon-to-be lover.

 

Krycek's hand dropped to the waist of his jeans and undid the button.The sound of the zipper as it worked it's way down the track, echoed inMulder's head. He closed his eyes against the sound and reopened them whenit had stopped. Krycek stood motionless before him, waiting. Mulder drewa shaky breath and nodded. The faded Levis and shoes came off.

 

//It's on now,// Mulder thought to himself, as his eyes tried to takein everything he saw before him, at once. Krycek moved toward him with felinegrace. He reached for the hand that was still caressing his shirt and placedit against his chest. His eyes glittered in the near darkness of the roomas he moved Mulder's hand up and down. "Pet *this*."

 

Mulder's mouth went suddenly dry. His hand broke from Krycek's controland wandered of it's own accord, across the span of his chest. His fingertipslovingly brushed one hard nipple. Hearing the quick intake of breath, fueledhis courage. His other hand came up to pay equal attention to the othernipple Krycek gritted his teeth and endured the erotic torture, determinedto let Mulder move at his own pace.

 

Mulder's hands slipped downward, over the solid contours of his abdomen.Slowly, he leaned in and touched his lips to the overheated flesh. A clippedgrunt escaped Krycek's throat. He wanted so much to plunge his fingers intothat silky golden brown hair and force Mulder's mouth down over his achingcock, but he fought the urge with every ounce of strength he could summon.

 

Mulder's hands moved to Krycek's waist as his mouth slipped lower, lickingand kissing the salty sweet skin. He froze, however, as he felt the tipof his erection, bobbing against his chin. Krycek held his breath and waited.Only disappointment followed.

 

"I can't, I..." Mulder squeezed his eyes shut and dropped hishands to the bed. Gentle fingers tilted his chin up.

 

"Open your eyes, Fox."

 

Thick, honey brown lashes lifted half way. The back of Krycek's handstroked his face softly, again and again. "It's okay," he whisperedsoothingly. "You don't have to."

 

Mulder tried to swallow against the dryness in his throat. "But..."

 

"But nothing. Let me take care of *you*." He reached down andstarted to undo the buttons on Mulder's shirt . "Just relax and...trustme." He pulled the shirt off and tossed it aside. "Lay back."Mulder did as he instructed, then let Krycek remove his pants and gray boxer-briefs.His eyes dilated to near blackness as he viewed the long, muscular body,stretched out before him. "Incredible," he murmured as he bentto capture a hard brown nipple in his mouth. Mulder whimpered and his bodybegan to tremble.

 

"Are you cold?"

 

"A little."

 

Krycek retrieved the light blanket at the foot of the bed and pulledit up over them, then gently settled his weight on top of Mulder. "Isthat better?"

 

"Better."

 

Stone brushed against stone as Krycek shifted his position.

 

"Ohhh, *God*..."

 

"Do you like that?" Krycek pushed against him.

 

"Jesus, *yes*."

 

"How about this?" He reached down between them taking bothcocks in his hand and began caressing them. Mulder arched his back and criedout sharply. "Alex!"

 

"That's one..."

 

"Please....stop...stop....*please*!"

 

"Why?"

 

"I'm going to come any second now, and I don't..."

 

"You don't what?"

 

"Not so soon. Not...more...I want more."

 

Krycek smiled triumphantly. "How much more, baby?"

 

"I...I don't know."

 

"I want to give you everything." Krycek squeezed them togetherin his hand. "Tell me your deepest, darkest desires." He slidhis tongue across Mulder's trembling lips. "I want to know all yourmost intimate fantasies. "I'll fulfill them all...one by one."Mulder sighed against his mouth. "Tell me, Fox."

 

"I want..." he stopped, then started again. "Just...showme. Make me understand this."

 

"Okay. I understand, if that's all you can handle right now. There'llbe time enough for the rest."

 

Long, smooth fingers caressed the absurdly beautiful features of theface that, for years now, had haunted dreams and occupied many a wakingthought. Lips, soft but insistent, kissed and teased, leaving the beneficiaryof their attention, writhing in agonizing bliss.

 

Slowly, painfully, Krycek worked his way downward, leaving a path oftingling warmth in his wake. He heard the sharp intake of breath come fromsomewhere above his head, as his cheek brushed ever so lightly against Mulder'sstraining erection. He'd intended to completely ignore it for a while -a little payback for the swollen lip, but Mulder's reaction to his toucheswere driving him out of his mind. He couldn't wait. He had to...

 

That first sweet touch of Krycek's tongue to the head of his cock, drewa strangled moan from Mulder. His fingers clenched in the sheets in an effortto keep them from pulling that lovely dark hair out of it's owner's head.

 

Krycek continued to tease his former partner with quick, feathery flicksof his tongue, until a drop of viscous fluid appeared and started to dribbledown the long shaft. Without warning, his mouth engulfed the head, greedilysucking at it and removing all traces of moisture.

 

Mulder arched upward, trying to thrust deeper. "Alex!"

 

Krycek released him and slid up his chest so that they were face to face.His eyes sparkled. "That's two."

 

Mulder growled his frustration. "What the hell are you talking about?"

 

Krycek smirked at him. "I'm counting the amount of times you screammy name."

 

"You gotta be kidding me."

 

"Nope." He kissed Mulder deeply, letting him taste himself.When he pulled away, they were both breathing heavily. "Do me a favor."

 

"What?"

 

Another kiss.

 

"Say it the way you do when you're alone."

 

Mulder opened his mouth to speak, then fell silent. Krycek stared intentlyat him for a few seconds, then bestowed one last kiss on his parted lips,before again moving south. Mulder winced as he nipped at the soft skin onhis stomach. Not that it hurt, really. He was just so overstimulated, thatthe slightest touch was magnified ten times over. Krycek lingered a whilelonger, then continued his journey downward, this time completely ignoringthat which was begging for his attention. He moved from the inside of onestrong thigh to the other, first biting gently, then soothing. Mulder twistedand moaned under his touch, then gasped aloud as Krycek took his testiclesinto his open mouth, worshiping them with his tongue.

 

For so long, Alex Krycek spent nights fantasizing about this, especiallyat those times when it looked like he would never see the light of day again...andthere were so many of those. His fantasies were all he had at those times,and he'd often wished feverishly, that he could have made just one of thema reality before he died. Now, by some bizarre twist of fate, he was here...inthe apartment of the object of his fantasies, doing things that he was surehe'd only ever dream about. Life had *never* been this kind to him.

 

Mulder's head spun. He was at the very edge of a precipice, ready...willingto fall. No thoughts, other than those of intense hunger and need, couldpass through the fog that surrounded him. It hurt. He knew that, too. Andif the pain wasn't relieved soon, he didn't know that he could survive it.As if his thoughts had been read, he felt the wet heat of his lover's mouth,enveloping his rigid cock, taking in half of it's length, only to withdrawand then slide back over it.

 

"Alex..."

 

That was it. That rough, throaty whisper. That was the way he'd imaginedMulder had said his name while masturbating alone, on those dark, lonelynights. The vibration from his satisfied groan, only served to excite Mulderfurther. Instinctively, he began to move his hips, thrusting in and outof Krycek's mouth. Krycek began to thrust as well, rubbing himself againstthe cotton covered mattress.

 

//No. Stop. You don't have to come into a sheet...not tonight. Tonight,you've got the man you've wanted for so long.//

 

He stopped his movements but encouraged Mulder to continue his. He graspedthe lean hips and pulled them forward, bringing him fully into his mouth.He could feel the head pushing against the back of his throat. He relaxedthe muscles and encouraged Mulder to push deeper. His eyes traveled upwardto see his lover's face. Beautiful. He would have been willing to bet thatMulder had never felt anything this good before. He sure as hell knew that*he* hadn't. He began to move his head in perfect cadence with the other'ships. The pace quickened and he knew from Mulder's increasingly anguishedcries, that he was almost there. He took a deep breath through his noseand prepared himself. Mulder gave one last vicious thrust and emitted along, sobbing groan as he emptied himself into Krycek's mouth. The suddenrush of bitter fluid gagged the man, but he refused to let go until he'ddrained him of every drop.

 

When it was completely over, he discreetly cleaned the residual semenfrom his mouth and chin, then slid up and wrapped an arm around Mulder'sstill heaving chest. He studied his flushed face with loving interest. Thehazel eyes were still closed, those full, luscious lips were parted andgasping for breath. How he ached to feel those lips around his own stillthrobbing erection.

 

//He's exhausted. Give him some time.//

 

Krycek lay quietly, stroking the moderate sprinkling of golden hairsthat covered Mulder's chest, while he recovered. A few minutes went by,and his eyes fluttered open.

 

"Finally," he smiled. "I was beginning to think that I'dkilled you."

 

Mulder's eyes scanned the ceiling. He seemed a bit dazed. Then Krycek'sheart sank as a different look replaced the confusion.

 

"Oh my God," Mulder whispered. "Oh, God."

 

"What is it?" He wondered if Mulder could hear the rising panicin his voice. "What's wrong?"

 

Mulder lay silent, trying to take it all in. The realization of it hitlike thunder, a few seconds later. Unable to meet Krycek's eye, he quicklyslipped out of bed and disappeared into the bathroom. Krycek got up andfollowed. He didn't open the door though, only leaned his head against itand listened, broken hearted, to the sound of Mulder, vomiting.

 

When he was done, Mulder stood weakly and looked toward the door. //Jesus.//He should go back and face this. Unfortunately, what he *should* do andwhat he was *able*to do, were two different things. He lowered the toiletlid and sat heavily.

 

//How the hell did this happen? Are you out of your fucking mind? Howcould you let a man...hell, not just any man...*Krycek*...do that to you?//

 

He once again looked toward the door and wondered how long Krycek wouldwait out there, before coming in. He reached out and quickly locked thedoor, then jumped up and turned the shower on, full hot. He got in and grittedhis teeth as the steaming water pounded his skin. For fifteen minutes, hescrubbed, trying to remove Krycek's smell...the feel of his hands and mouth.Finally, he turned the water off and dried himself. He grabbed his robefrom the hook on the back of the door and threw it on, belting it tightly.He walked to the sink and picked up his toothbrush. He squeezed a glob ofCrest onto the bristles and brushed his teeth till they squeaked.

 

//Okay, now what?// He looked into the mirror. //You've done everythingyou could possibly do in here.// He turned away from his reflection, unableto face himself. //Christ, if you can't look at yourself, how the hell areyou going to look at him?// He leaned against the sink and stood that wayfor a long while, trying to convince himself to open the door. Finally,he did.

 

Silence greeted him as he walked slowly into the bedroom, eyes cast downward.What the hell to say? Maybe he should just remain quiet and let Alex....Krycek...talkfirst. He leaned back against the wall, staring at a worn spot on the hardwoodfloor. Still, all was quiet. Finally, he risked a glance at the bed. Itwas empty. He scanned the room and found no one there. Then he noticed thatKrycek's clothes were gone. He pushed himself away from the wall and steppedinto the living room, where he was met with more emptiness. A small squareof paper was tacked to the door. He pulled it off and stared down at it,not knowing how to feel about the two word message. He walked over to thesofa and lowered himself onto it. He looked back at the paper in his hand,and read aloud.

 

"Forgive me."

 

 

7:05 a.m.

 

Alex Krycek stood, protected from view by two large trees, looking upat the window of apartment number forty-two. The heavy morning mist gaveway to a cold rain. Perfect.

 

He hadn't wanted to leave, but fear of Mulder's complete rejection promptedhis departure. He couldn't handle that. Not after...he gave himself a mentalshake. //How could you be so stupid? So fucking weak? Was a night with himreally worth risking your life?// His eyes closed involuntarily, as he rememberedwhat had happened between them, just a couple of short hours ago. Therewas only one answer to his question. He opened his eyes and turned to leanback against one of the trees. //At least the next time your ass is in asling, and death is inevitable, you'll have this to reflect on. Well...maybenot all of it.//

 

He glanced carefully around the quiet neighborhood, then flipped thecollar of his jacket up, and walked away.

 

 

 

 

End Part I