AUTHORS: Amanda Finch <ChaelysQ@aol.com>, Ashlea Ensro <morleyphile@yahoo.com> and Rachel Ehrentreu <Firephile@aol.com>
TITLE: Alex Krycek: Slightly Mundane Portrait of a Soccer Mom CATEGORY: VH (list/parody)
RATING: PG
SPOILERS: Enough Mytharc spoilers to choke a bear! DISCLAIMER: Aren't you glad they're not ours sometimes? SUMMARY: What happens when three girls stop being polite, and start getting real? Well, not this.
ARCHIVE: If you want it. With our names and addresses attached, por favor.

Alternate Title: "Chicken Soup for the Syndicate Soul"

>From "My Two Slightly Mundane Dads", posted 02.08.99:

"Canny one-armed audio-visual manipulation, nagging the whiny amorality of his superiors, chauffeuring the Syndicate kids to and from their assignments, always ready to lend a hand with the stiletto or be there for someone's "first time." Alex Krycek: Soccer Mom of the Consortium."

In typical George Lucas fashion, we've chosen to take this image one step farther. We present to you the oft-used phrases of Alex Krycek: Soccer Mom:

1. "Don't you start tracking that black oil through the house, young man!"

2. "How many times have I told you? The stiletto is NOT a toy!"

3. "CSM! Stop drawing chalk outlines around WMM right now!"

4. "If you weren't looking at him, then you wouldn't know he was looking at you, now would you?"

5. "You two in the back of the helicopter: SIT STILL! Don't make me come back there! I've got a stiletto, and I'm not afraid to use it! One more word and you'll be WALKING to Antarctica!"

6. "So HELP me, I will turn this spaceship RIGHT back around!"

7. "Just wait until the Elder gets home! You're in BIG trouble!"

8. "Bobby! Stop morphing your face at your brother!"

9. "I don't care who shot who first, but I am NOT cleaning up this mess!"

10. "No, Marita, you can NOT have the black helicopter this Friday."

11. "Walking around like you only have one arm, Mr. Man? How clever! *Someone's* not getting any pie!"

12. "You can leave those bees outside, Mr. Strughold."

13. "No fighting the future until you clean that pigsty you call a conference room!"

14. "For the last time, Gibson, no mind-reading at the dinner table."

15. "You're making me *really* sorry that I undid your mouth stitches, young man."

16. "Keep that up and you're getting another partial lobotomy."

17. "Don't you roll those oily black eyes at *me*."

18. "The next one who acts up is getting an implant."

19. "While I'm gone, you are absolutely, under no circumstances, to shoot the president. Do you hear me?"

20. "Maybe if you didn't sit around writing those silly Jack Colquitt stories, I wouldn't have to *shoot* people!"

21. "I used to have to walk 10 miles through the snow to get to 46th St., NYC. Kids these days..."

22. "When I was your age...well, I've never been your age, but if I'd said that to *my* mother, I'd be picking stingers out of my buttcheeks right about now!"

23. "If someone doesn't tell me which one of you's the faceless alien rebel *right now*, I'm gonna swing this fake arm into your backsides, and you better believe it's going to hurt!"

24. "I've had more than enough car bombs out of you, young man!"

25. "If I don't have my prosthetic back by the count of THREE..."

26. "I swear to God if you don't go to sleep this very minute I'm taking away all your experimentations."

27. "Oh, I'd LOVE to sit around in comfy chairs and smoke and listen to you gripe and moan all day, but *some* of us have to keep this Project from going all to hell!"

28. "Okay! Okay! NOBODY here pales to ANYONE else!"

29. "Oh Jeffrey, there will be other girls...maybe."

30. "If I can sit in an abandoned missile silo for months on end in godforsaken North Dakota vomiting black oil, then you can damn well sit still for a ten minute time-out!"

~^~^~^~^~^~~^~

Why can't you be more like the CSM...? I mean....uh, hit reply if you wanna send feedback. :)