March 20, 1999

Webpage: http://www.slashcity.com/Hepaestion or

Archive: SlashKink, Archive X and Amothea's Angst Archive

Warning: m/m sexual situations, angst, violence

Author's note: 'Sorry seems to be the hardest word' written by Elton John
Bernie Taupin (1976), #10 on Elton's CD 'Love Songs'

Disclaimer: Characters belong to Chris Carter and 1013 Productions. Song
belongs to Elton John/Bernie Taupin, no permisson was requested for either.
Lets hope they don't care.

What have I got to do to make you love me
What have I got to do to make you care
What do I do when lightening strikes me
And I wake to find that you're not there?

What have I got to do to make you want me,
What have I got to do to be heard,
What do I say when it's all over?
And sorry seems to be the hardest word.

It's sad (so sad)
It's a sad, sad situation
And it's getting more and more absurd.
It's sad (so sad)
Why can't we talk it over?
Oh it seems to me
That sorry seems to be the hardest word.

What have I got to do to make you love me
What have I got to do to be heard.
What do I do when lightening strikes me
What have I got to do?
What have I got to do?
When sorry seems to be the hardest word?
The Hardest Word


Alex looked into the bathroom mirror. The swelling of his lip and eye were
finally going down. He looked at the face in the mirror and for a moment
barely recognized himself. The wrinkles around his eyes and the frown upon
his lips were permanent now it seemed.

"Isn't love suppose to make you glow?" Alex said to himself in a whisper.
He sighed and grabbed the bottle of aspirin. After taking two pills and
scooping some water from the bathroom sink he walked back into their bedroom.

Mulder was lying on their bed watching a documentary about killer bees.
Alex looked at his lover and could feel his bladder fill up from fear. Where did
things go so wrong? Mulder had fought tooth and nail with Skinner and
Scully for him. They were the team that brought down the Consortium and the alien
invasion. They long lasting attraction finally came head to head one night
and it was the most torrid love making of their lives. Soon after things calmed
down, Mulder insisted they make their relationship open and committed. "I
was finally able to stop running. I got to love and be loved, and I felt on
top of the world. Until." Alex thought to himself.

Mulder and I had a history of violence. I had done bad things to him and he
did bad things to me. Once we became lovers, we took our mutual agression
on those we sought out to destroy. Then we became the romantic , silly couple
in love you hear about. Even Scully, who finally accepted me, was happy for
our love and committment. She also noticed the first bruise. She was always
the smartest one. It was my first lie of many following. I told her I fell and
hit my self on the coffee table. For the first time Alex Krycek the killer,
the spy, now played the clumsy klutz. It is the hardest role yet. That
night, he said it happened cause he had been so stressed lately. We made
love that night anyway and I forgave him.

Mulder worked hard in the FBI and I was recruited by his friends the Lone
Gunmen. It was simple and interesting, and I still had many connections
that helped the trio out. They were to notice the second bruise. The black eye
was impossible to hide. I lied again, saying Mulder hit me accidently
during a nightmare. When he hit me that time, he said it was my fault. He told me
not to touch his desk EVER! I was only looking for his airline ticket so I
could put it in his suit pocket, the excuse wasn't good enough. I didn't
hit him back, I never hit back. He didn't say he was sorry either.

"Are you coming to bed Alex?" Mulder said, noticing I was standing like a
zombie staring at him.

I nodded and took off my robe. I got into bed next to him and rolled to my
side facing the window. This time I didn't want to make, plus my face was
still hurting. Nevertheless, I felt his hands rubbing my skin gently. Was
this his way of apologizing? I didn't say a thing, it seemed he was ok with
that too. His hands touched me and rubbed me all over. Soon he was rubbing
his cock against my asshole and he pushed in. I made a small noise as I
felt the penetration. I was tight because I wasn't feeling in the mood. He was
quick, the tightness was too much for him and in 4 exact thrusts he was
ejaculating inside me. As he pulled out, he patted my rump. I am glad he
couldn't see my tears, but by then he was already snoring.

I thought CSM would eventually break me. I was so wrong. I remember CSM
telling me that the Mulder men were unable to love anyone. I hate to say
maybe he was right. Mulder treated me and sometimes Scully terribly. He
was selfish and stubborn and he thought very little of the consequences of his
actions. I had thought Scully was my enemy once. I hated her, I was
jealous of her. I thought she owned the heart of the man I had been desiring for so
long. How wrong I was. I was to know the evil inside Mulder that Scully
knew all along. She had sensed Mulder's madness and that is what kept her out of
his bed. It was pity she felt for him and sadness. I was wrong about
Scully, because she ending up saving my life. She was to see the throught the
charade of our love and relationship.

A wrong address would open the dam of their problem to the world. A
hospital bill of many for Alex would accidentally go my address. I would be curious
to see the diagnosis of a fractured rib on Alex Krycek. Driving to the
hospital, I would meet up with the ER doctor. Doctor to doctor, his tale would be
told. Confidentiality broken and his medical file open for my eyes. I had to sit
down when I read the numerous contusions, fractures, bruises, damaged
kidneys etc. his body had suffered. Alex's chart was thick but who ever heard of
calling the police and reporting domestic abuse of a gay man? They tended to
his bruises and patched him up but handed him back to the lover that caused
them. They would shake their heads and frown, maybe they thought it was
impossible for a beautiful man like Mulder to be such a monster? Do they
need to look like monsters?

I remember getting in my car and driving to their apartment at full speed.
Why didn't I see it? Why was I so blind? He had bruises and the sudden
behavior characterstics of an abused person. They were always aggressive
with each other but that was before, they seemed so in love. How could Mulder
hurt the man he loved so much, the man he fought hard and risked everything for?

Scully ran into the building and as she got closer to their apartment she
heard the noise. Her blood went cold and she grabbed her gun. She opened
the door and walked in. In the bedroom she heard the blows and the man's pleas.
She stood in the door and raised her gun, safety off.

"MUlder! Stop right now or I will fucking shoot!" Scully yelled. She saw her
partner and best friend beating merciless his lover of over 2 years now.
Her hand was steady but her heart ached.

"Get out Scully! This isn't your concern at all. This is between Alex and
me! He is a man, he can fight back! Mind your own business Scully." Mulder
said, his tone was eerie and cold.

"Dammit Mulder, look at him! Can't you see he isn't fighting back. He
doesn't want to. No Mulder, this ends right now. Alex can you stand up?"
Scully said, her tone was strong and dared any defiance.

I could see that Alex was in pain. Mulder had hit him in his face, chest
and kidneys. He was sure to faint but he held on. He had looked at Mulder and
his eyes were full of tears. That night was a night I would never forget.

I remember seeing Scully standing at the doorway with the gun in her hand.
It was actually the second time she would pull a gun on Mulder to protect me.
I felt so humiliated and shamed and I looked at Mulder's eyes. They were
glazed and unfocused, was it anger I wonder? "What do I have to do to make you
love me?" I thought to myself.

"She is right Mulder, this ends tonight." I turned around and grabbed a
suitcase from the closet. Mulder never moved, he was frozen. Scully never
lowered her gun, I think she was in shock too. I packed my things and I let
the tears fall down my face.

When I finished packing I walked out the bedroom and Scully stood behind me.
Mulder walked behind us. He was quiet and now the fact that I was leaving
him was registering in his face.

As I walked to the front door carrying my suitcase, I turned around and
looked at the man I had loved for so long.

"Well Mulder?" I said, my voice trembled.

"Goodbye Alex" he said coldly and turned around.

Foolish of me to expect him to say he was sorry. He never said he was
sorry. But then sorry seems to be the hardest word.

the end

ps domestic abuse among gay partners is unfortunately on the rise, lets try
to make love and not war!