TITLE: Grumpy Old Men
RATING: PG (Nothing too kinky)
CATEGORY: M/K Slash, Humor (sick and twisted as it is)
SPOILERS: Um, none.
ARCHIVE: If you want it, have it.
DISCLAIMER: These characters aren't mine, and probably aren't even recognizable in this story! No infringement intended.
SUMMARY: After all these years, they're still as frisky as ever.
NOTES: This story was written a long time ago, as sort of a challenge. I apologize in advance for its latent silliness.
Sometime in the not-so-distant future....
"Thsomeone'sth been usthing my toothbrusth again!"
Absently scratching his overflowing gut, Mulder looked away from the ancient rerun of National Geographic. It didn't get much better than humping rhinos. "If you'd put your teeth in, you old fart, maybe you'd have reason to use it yourself."
"Thsuck my dick, Mulder," Krycek muttered, slowly staggering back to the bathroom.
"If you could get it up without medical assistance, maybe I would."
"Don't make me get my cane and thwap you."
"Promise?" Mulder's laughter suddenly cut short. "Son of a---damn it, you made me crap my pants again."
Wheezing, Krycek collapsed against the doorway. He finished hacking before popping his dentures in his mouth. "Now that's what I call beating the shit outta someone."
"You didn't even touch me." Struggling to pull himself off the couch, he made a bowlegged dash towards the bathroom.
"And I don't plan on touching you anytime soon, you old prune. You're lucky I remembered to buy your Depends."
Hurrying past a counter piled with hemorrhoid creme, Alka Seltzers, tweezers, prescription bottles, and K-Y jelly, Mulder yanked down his elastic-waist slacks and sat promptly on the toilet...damned near falling in the water.
"How many times do I have to tell you to put the fucking lid down?"
The look Krycek gave him spoke volumes...you couldn't tell an Alzheimer's sufferer anything and expect him to remember. Waving his hand in front of his face, Krycek picked up the dangling pen next to the Post-It notes on the wall and added Beano to the grocery list.
"Don't forget to empty the diaper pail this week," he grumbled, heading down the hall.
"You're just jealous, 'cause I still have all my hair."
"On your back."
"This attitude isn't going to get you anywhere tonight, pretty boy."
"If you start snoring again before you get your clothes off, I don't give a damn."
"You know why those bastards don't give you hits anymore? Because it takes you an hour to pull the trigger. And Viagra doesn't even help in that area."
"Ah, bite me, Fogey...Ooof--"
Before he'd even stepped two feet into the bedroom, he was hit from behind and propelled towards the mattress by Mulder's still formidable body. "But I still love you, Geezer."
His response was a kiss on his stubbly cheek. "I grabbed your pills...wanna fuck me like a wild animal?"
"I think I just broke my hip."