spontaneous human combustion
"So, any ideas on the case, Alex?"
"Well let's see... three people are dead, from apparent spontaneous
human combustion during one of North Dakota's worst blizards in
the past twenty years. There were no witnesses and none of the
people we've interviewed think anything unusual is going on."
"Sorry, Mulder, I'm drawin' a blank here."
"Hand me the frog, will you?"
"Sure, here you go. So, what's your idea?"
"Well, take this frog."
"For argument's sake, let's say this frog is our first victim."
"Okay, the froggie is Fred Farnesworth. Fred Farnesworth,
the flammable froggie from Fargo."
"Cute. Now where was I? Oh, yeah, flammable Freddie here
reportedly went up in flames on or about 3pm last Tuesday, shortly
after that day's snow storm passed out of town, leaving 14 inches
of snow behind."
"Yep, so far, I follow you."
"But what happened before 3pm, Alex?"
"I give, Mulder, what happened?"
"Why he went to the local general store to purchase groceries
and to hear the local news from the owner, Dorothy Drake."
"Scoot over a bit will you? And hand me the little duck."
"Sure, so you think Dottie the Duckie has something to do
"Maybe, maybe not. But why would a man in his sixties brave
a raging snowstorm just to get some milk and a box of Cheerios?"
"Maybe he really liked Cheerios."
"Or maybe he was psychically compelled to drive through a
raging snowstorm to buy a box of cereal."
"Mulder, you honestly want me to believe Freddie the Frog
was 'psychically compelled'? Dottie the Duckie used mental telepathy
to get Freddie the Frog to buy some Cheerios and then burst into
"One cannot conceive anything so strange and so implausible
that it has not already been said by one philosopher or another.
Or one little green froggie or an otter."
"Alex, you surprize me!"
"Okay, I get that the duckie could have had something to
do with it, but what about the soap, what does it represent?"
"Yeah. Now where did that bar of soap go?"
"Um, Alex, that's not the soap."
"Oh, I know, Mulder."
"Alex, um, Alex..."
"Remind me to never take another bath with you."
"Okay, will do. But will you do something for me?"
"Uh, um, wha, what?"
"Remind me to ask the front desk if they have a room with
a bigger tub."
"Yeah, uh, uh, shu, sure."
"Everything okay, Mulder?"
"Sl, Slow down, Alex, I'm, um, um...I don't want to, to,
"K, Krycek, when, um, when we get, um... When we get, get,
"When we get out of, oh, out of here, I'm gonna kick your
"Oh, I'm countin' on it, Mulder."
the end - by the lopsided weevil