TITLE Cruiseclone (1/1)
DATE April 1999
FEEDBACK Always welcome
DISTRIBUTION Any time any place anywhere RATING PG13 for suggested m/m m/f sex
CONTENT WARNING Another totally silly piece of fluff. CATEGORY English humour
SPOILERS None. Sequel to Homeclone.
KEYWORDS Those pesky clone problems
COMMENTS Mary now has 3 clones and her problems aren't over. DISCLAIMER Chris Carter and 1013 own the X files. DD and NL own themselves. However clones are owner by caring and compassionate owners who pride themselves on treating them with respect. Except when they're naughty.
Note to Victoria Brown June 16th 2000
I've had an amazing piece of luck. I don't know if you know anything about the English lottery system, but the most wonderful thing happened on Saturday. As usual, I bought a lottery ticket at my local corner shop, and to my amazement, this time I won a bit more than the usual ten pounds prize. In fact, I now have so much money that I don't have to work any more! Ever! I can spend the rest of my life learning to be a lady of leisure, drinking fine vintage wine and dressing for dinner. Even if it's cooked by Mulder!
Actually, since I bought that Skinner clone, things have been really peaceful around here. The boys don't dare step out of line, he rules the domestic establishment with a rod of iron. The house is always spotless when I get home and dinner is served promptly at seven. Of course, he supervises the cooking personally. And on a personal level, he's so elegant, with such refinement. What a cultivated man he is. In music, literature and art, he seems so accomplished. It's such a pleasure to have a real conversation with a man of taste. The only things Mulder would ever talk about were aliens and conspiracies. And of course Alex did teach me a few Russian swear words.
Rich at last. My life is going to be so relaxing.
Brochure for Caribbean Cruise ship Sea Queen
Our more refined customer will find the cruise we are offering this summer to be both elegant and pleasurable in the extreme. Our newly refitted liner boasts super king size bedrooms and in cabin jacuzzis. All cabins have state of the art entertainment systems and sea views. Also for your enjoyment on this voyage are a wide range of sporting activities such as clay pigeon shooting and tennis, and there are numerous exclusive designer shops for those expensive little necessities.....
Letter to Victoria Brown - June 21st
I'm giving myself a treat in July. I've booked myself on a very expensive cruise, on that big new liner, the Sea Queen. It's the maiden voyage of the ship, and I hear it's far more exclusive than the Oriana. I've decided to take my Skinner clone along, after all, I shall need a partner on the dance floor, on those long romantic evenings. Alex can come too, the thought of him lounging around the pool in tiny briefs is far too irresistible. Since I will need a house sitter, and Mulder is by far the best choice to look after the garden, I shall leave him at home this trip. He can console himself with the fact that he and Alex can accompany me skiing in Aspen next winter. And Skinner will have to take me round Venice in the fall.
Yours in anticipation
Postcard to Mother July 1st
Settled in fine. The cabin is enormous. Alex was a little upset
that Walter made him take care of the luggage, then iron all of
our clothes last night, but a spell of relaxing with a huge Marguerita
next to the pool this morning soon made him less tense. I was
right about him being beautiful, all of those rich old biddies
with poodles and blue rinses in their hair couldn't take their
eyes off him. I think he got a kick out of it. Walter wouldn't
join us. He said that there was a classical concert he wanted
Weather forecast - Caribbean area July 2nd
Weather becoming unsettled. Sea conditions mildly choppy. Some showers possible,
Postcard to Vicky Brown - July 3rd
Oh dear. Something you didn't warn me about. The slightest
bit of turbulence and Walter is sick to his stomach. The poor
man looks positively green. Of course, Alex got his revenge for
the ironing incident, and ordered a huge fried breakfast in the
cabin. Walter nearly lost the contents of his stomach the moment
it was brought through the door. But he was so brave. He brazened
it out. Then Alex declared his intention to try squid for lunch,
and it was too much for the poor man to take.
Still fairly happy,
Bill for one stained carpet
B. Mill (Ship's Purser)
Ship's telegram - July 3rd
ALEX. STOP. LOVE YOU LOTS. STOP. HOPE YOU'RE ENJOYING THE HOLIDAY. STOP. WHERE DO YOU KEEP THE SINK PLUNGER? STOP.
Reply to ships telegram - July 3rd
THERE'S A BIG CRATE OF HOUSEHOLD STUFF IN THE CUPBOARD UNDER THE STAIRS. STOP. LOVE YOU TOO. STOP. ER.... WHY? STOP.
Ship's telegram - July 3rd
FOUND IT. STOP. NO REASON. STOP. HUGS. STOP.
Letter to Debbie Smith - July 4th
We're spending Independence Day anchored off the island of
Mustique. Walter is feeling much better after his bout of seasickness,
and has given Alex a list of chores as long as his arm. He later
found it stuffed in one of his shoes. Oh dear. I thought Alex's
days of rebellion
were over. Ever since Walter found a new and original use for the flat side of a hairbrush, and taught him and Mulder a lesson in manners...... I last saw Alex disappearing in the direction of the swimming pool as if a herd of elephants was chasing him. I do hope he reappears by tonight, it's a party night and we've got an invitation to sit at the Captain's table. He's Russian you know, so Alex will probably feel less homesick if he can chat to someone in his native language.
Got to run, Walter is taking me ashore to do some shopping.
Postcard to F. Mulder - July 4th
I miss you so much. I wish you were here and the Boss was at
home, he's making my life hell, as usual. I'm *so* bored, I even
got talking to some of the old cows who lie in wait round here,
looking for their fourth or fifth husbands. The Poodle Brigade!!
I had to be fast on my feet to avoid the wandering hands. M. prefers
to go round doing cultural things with Walter and isn't paying
much attention to me. Life sucks.
Wish you were here to hold me. Love you.
Letter to V. Brown - July 5th
I'm having a fabulous time, in part due to my wonderful clones.
Walter is so good on the dance floor, his Tango has to be experienced
to be believed. Oh my. Erotic in the extreme. I think I was a
bit dazzled by the experience, because I didn't notice how jealous
Alex was getting. He started to plot his revenge from the moment
Walter made him wear a dinner jacket instead of his leather one.
And the tension was heightened when he met the Captain and found
out he was an old acquaintance from Russia. Alex muttered something
about being on one of his cockroach infested tin cans before,
and flounced off. And when I finished dancing the night away with
Walter and returned to the cabin, Alex had locked the door, and
we had to spend the rest of the night on chairs in the lounge.
Walter had something to say about it afterwards. He asked whether
he could borrow my hair brush, but I put my foot down over that.
Poor Alex is just homesick.
Weather forecast - Caribbean area July 5th
Weather front moving in rapidly. Storm expected within 24 hours.
Notice posted on public information board - July 5th
Anyone who knows the whereabouts of the three missing poodles belonging to Mrs. Vandercramp, Lady Scott - Phelps and Mrs. Middleton-Fliss-Harper the Third please contact the Purser's office.
Postcard to Ann Jones - July 5th
hope you're enjoying the shopping trip in London. I'm loving
every minute of the cruise. With two such entertaining companions,
I have the best of both worlds. Walter was fabulous last night,
we danced till (nearly) dawn. Poor Walter wasn't destined to have
a relaxing day though. The weather is getting worse, so back came
his seasickness. I think that maybe Walter and boats don't mix
well, so I shall have to rethink that trip to Venice. I felt like
I'd been neglecting Alex so I took him to see Titanic the Movie
in the ship's movie theatre instead. The poor darling sniffled
through the last hour. Then, with an uncharacteristic romantic
streak, stood with me on the bow of the ship and watched the sea
for an hour. You know! That famous scene when the girl stretches
her arms out while the hero wraps his arms around her. Later we
strolled round the deck. A couple of the old ladies were there,
strangely subdued. You know, something very strange happened to
three of Alex's closest acquaintances. Their dogs disappeared
in the night. For some reason, Alex seemed to find this very funny.
He said that maybe they'd gone swimming. How very odd.
Ship's telegram - 5P.M. July 5th
ALEX. STOP. NEED TO KNOW WHERE WATER VALVE LOCATED SO I CAN TURN OFF SUPPLY. STOP. SLIGHT ACCIDENT WITH PIPE. STOP. NOTHING SERIOUS.
STOP. SAY HI TO ALL. STOP.
Reply to ship's telegram 5.30P.M July 5th
NEXT TO BOILER IN BATHROOM. STOP. HOW SLIGHT IS SLIGHT? STOP.
Ship's telegram - 8P.M. July 5th
SMALL LEAK WHILE I WAS CLEARING BLOCKAGE FROM PIPE. STOP. FIXED NOW. STOP. GOT YOUR DIY BOOK. STOP. LOVE YOU. STOP.
Letter to S Canley - July 6th
I promised I'd let you know about the holiday. Hope things
are running smoothly at work. This is the best holiday I've ever
had, even if Walter has been admitted to the ship's infirmary
with what turned out to be the worst case of seasickness the doctor
had ever seen. Alex is uncharacteristically cheery. He's so sweet
sometimes. This morning I went into the bathroom for my toothbrush,
and caught him in the shower. He had his back to me and was soaping
himself down in long, smooth strokes that were quite beautiful
to watch. I must have made a noise, because he turned and gave
me one of those knowing little grins of his. The kind he gives
when he's showing himself off to an admiring audience. I don't
know how it happened, but we just grabbed each other right then
and there, and spent the hottest hour I've ever had. Wow. Did
I feel good afterwards!!!
Yours smiling still,
Note from Walter Skinner to Alex Krycek - Ship's internal mail July 7th
You'd better be taking care of our laundry. And don't forget
to call in and bring me something interesting to read from the
ship's library. And if Mary wants to be taken ashore during the
next stopover, don't take her anywhere disreputable!!
You know what I'll do if you don't do as you're told!
Report of Ship's Purser - Incident on night of July 7th - 8th
Captain. I regret to inform you that on the night of July 7th - 8th, I was called to the Super Curl Beauty Salon. At approximately six a.m., the owner of the business discovered that he had been broken in to. Apparently, the only things that had been taken were a large bottle of blue hair dye, and the shop's entire stock of hair brushes! No fingerprints were found, and the lock of the door had apparently been expertly picked!
This may be related to a second incident that occurred later in the same night. An unknown assailant broke in to Mrs. Jeremiah Underwood's cabin and violently assaulted her pet dog. The animal was covered from head to foot in blue dye, though was otherwise unharmed. Mrs. Underwood, the Captain may remember, is the lady who has very vocal opinions about most subjects, and has been the subject of numerous complaints of harassment, due to her inability to keep her hands off young men. It may be that she chose the wrong butt this time! But the hairbrushes? The mind boggles!
Bill Wood - Ship's Purser
Postcard to Carol Mills - July 8th
We're having a relaxing time on the cruise. I'm enjoying the
sun, sea and the good things in life. And Alex has taken up painting
classes. At least, I assume that's why he had blue paint on his
T-shirt. We went ashore this afternoon and visited the capital
of Jamaica. The storm had blown over and the sky was unbelievably
blue! We visited some rather colourful places in Alex's search
for the "real" Jamaican rum. I do believe we were rather
drunk by the end of the trip, but we had no trouble after Alex
played some local knife throwing game and impressed people. It
was such fun!
Walter was much better when we visited him this evening, but perhaps he felt left out, because he kept glaring at Alex all of the time. Maybe I should have brought a bottle of that rum back for him. I shall sleep soundly tonight!
Ship's telegram - 6 P.M. July 8th
ALEX. STOP. YOU DIDN'T WARN ME THAT I HAD TO SWITCH THE BOILER OFF WHEN THE WATER SUPPLY WAS SHUT DOWN. STOP. THERE WAS A MINOR EXPLOSION. STOP. NOTHING SERIOUS. STOP. DO YOU KNOW A GOOD BUILDER? STOP.
Reply to ship's telegram 10 P.M. July 8h
FOX. STOP. DO YOUR OWN DIRTY WORK. STOP. YOU'LL CATCH IT WHEN SKINNER GETS HOME. STOP. HIDE THE HAIRBRUSH. STOP.
Letter to V. Brown - July 9th
things aren't going so well at the moment on the cruise. I
was called into the Captain's office this morning to explain myself.
Apparently the steward who cleans up my cabin has found some rather
incriminating articles there. They think we're a bunch of criminals!
And it's all down to Alex! He's been blamed for all sorts of incidents
around the ship. Vandalism, drunkenness, theft and kidnapping
poodles. I'm so embarrassed. They don't want to make a big fuss
because of the bad publicity, but we'll have to leave the ship
at the next opportunity. And there will be a horrendous bill to
Well, at least I can look forward to the peace and quiet at home.
Bill for damages - S.S. Sea Queen July 9th
43 hair brushes $300
1 large bottle blue hair dye $50
Services of locksmith to change salon locks $200 Services of professional poodle grooming parlour $400 Professional counsellor for Mrs. Jeremiah Underwood $500 Professional cleaning and redecoration of Mrs. Jeremiah Underwood's cabin (to remove blue dye) $2000
Poodle belonging to Mrs. Vandercramp - "Trixie" $1000 Poodle belonging to Lady Scott - Phelps - Grand Champion and Cruft's winner Harper Snoffles $10,000
Poodle belonging to Mrs. Middleton-Fliss-Harper the Third - "Big boy" $1500 plus loss of ten year's stud fees $10,000 Cost of drinks on tab to A. Krycek #7 $350 Cost of laundry service ordered by A. Krycek #7 $150 Cost of special meals ordered by A. Krycek #7 (squid) $50 Cost of one further hairbrush (extra large) ordered by W. Skinner #19 $3.50
Grand total $26,503.50
Letter to Mom - July 12th
I've had an exhausting few days. After the humiliating scene
in the Captain's office, I had to start packing. Walter had already
heard by the time I got to the cabin, and from the sounds of smacking
and the yelps, I gathered that he was making his irritation known
to Alex. We left the liner at the next stop, and headed for the
airport. Alex didn't have a very comfortable flight, he couldn't
seem to relax in his seat, and he kept muttering under his breath.
I told him it was his own fault, and he would have to pay for
the damages those poor people suffered out of his own allowance.
Mulder was waiting at the airport, and I was very surprised that he and Alex just glared at each other. Oh dear, I hope they haven't had another fight. All I wanted to do is get home and soak in a long, hot bath.
Ring you later,
Letter to S Canley - July 12th
I suppose you've heard. Everyone else seems to have. The explosion
in the early hours was heard at the other end of the village.
The entire bathroom, kitchen and study were destroyed when the
boiler blew up. It's a miracle Fox wasn't killed. And all because
he blocked up the sink with bits of burnt pasta from the bottom
of a pan, when he was washing up! I told him to order take away
meals! At least the flood damage from that incident was obliterated
in the explosion.
After all the trouble, I don't know why he gave Walter such a smug look. Walter frowned suspiciously. Then he gave an evil smile, and produced his new hairbrush from his luggage. Fox went pale. I left them to it. I moved into the village inn and left them all there.
Letter to Mom - September 3rd
Not feeling very well at the moment. Keep feeling sick. Maybe
I've caught one of those tropical bugs. I'd better go to the doctor
and get it checked out. The workmen are nearly finished with the
repairs. I'll call you when you get back from the health farm.
Love and kisses,
Letter to Debbie Smith - September 4th
Oh dear. I've had a bit of unexpected news, which really came
as a shock to me. But not in an unpleasant way. I'm pregnant!!!
You remember I told you about that time in the shower with Alex?
Well we weren't very careful at the time, and one thing led to
I told the boys the good news and you could have heard a pin drop for about ten seconds. Then Mulder and Skinner both got goofy grins on their faces and started arguing fiercely over whose baby it was. I looked at Alex, and he looked at me. Then he remembered. He was in shock for a few minutes. Then he gave me a sweet, tender smile, which definitely became a bit wider and more wicked as he watched the others squabbling. The next few months are going to be interesting!!!
End of Cruiseclone (1/1)