I know. This is just silly. It's been lurking around on my hard drive for ages, but some of you might like it. Apologies in advance
XF: M/K Parody
Author: Wombat firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: Not mine etc. etc.
Summary: Helpful tips for the Alex Krycek afficionado
The Slash Fanfic Spotter's Guide to the Krycek
The Krycek (Rattus Juvenalis)
'The one-armed Ratboy'
The Krycek is approximately six foot tall and can be recognised by his glossy dark hair, green eyes, white teeth and extensive bruising. Although nobody knows from which country he was originally introduced, this attractive but often treacherous nocturnal creature can now be numbered among fan fiction's most common rodents.
The Krycek is a mobile and much travelled creature, capable of adapting to an enormous range of enviroments. However the experienced spotter will know that there are several locales the Krycek tends to frequent. Included among these are the Mulder's apartment, the Mulder's hotel rooms, cold prison cells in Tunguska where blankets are in short supply and sharing body heat is the only way of keeping warm or just skulking around pretty much anywhere the Common Mulder goes.
The young Krycek can often be seen in his drab protective stage, disguising his true nature with bad polyester suits and enough hair gel to keep Duran Duran going through their next three comeback tours. Upon reaching maturity, however, the Krycek will revert to his natural colouration, described in the 'Audubon Field Guide to Double Agents' as 'jeans and black leather jacket, lightly armed'. The Common Krycek may or may not have a stupid ass haircut.
It is notable that the Common Krycek never wears underwear of any description, making the second most common cause of death for the Krycek, (after taking bullets for the Angst!Mulder), painful zipper accidents. The Krycek may occasionally be possessed by mind-controlling aliens who will almost always be deeply curious about sex. Additionally, the Krycek often only has one arm due to the actions of its natural enemy, the Dimwitted Red Hot Knife Wielding Russian Peasant (Rusticus Sovietica Idioticans). The missing arm may be replaced by the a 'Just like the real thing (tm)' advanced consortium issue prosthetic with special tea stirring attachment, a basic but useful stainless steel hook or a cloned alien replacement. The arm may also grow back at the discretion of the relevant author.
As well as the Dimwitted Red Hot Knife Wielding Russian Peasant the Krycek has many other natural enemies, including just about everyone but most notably KickAss!Scully. The Krycek may also be injured as a result of the courtship behaviour displayed by both the Common Mulder and the Common Skinner, in which the Krycek makes ill-advised smart remarks while being handcuffed to a convenient stationary object and struck repeatedly about the head and body.
While the Krycek usually prefers to seek out a Mulder, it if one is unavailable it will settle for any one of the Common Skinners, or less commonly a Byers or one of the (now sadly rumoured to be extinct) Pendrells or Spenders. Compared to the relatively sexually inactive Mulder, the Krycek will sleep with almost anything that moves and can easily be handcuffed.
Kryceks occupy a number of points on a moral continuum which varies from evil and sadistic traitor on the one end to completely misunderstood good guy on the other.
Bad to the Bone!Krycek (Rattus Juvenalis Diabolicus)
This vicious and totally unrepentent version of the Krycek is invariably bad news for the Mulder, who this Krycek pursues relentlessly. It is probably inadvisable to allow them to meet in any environment which contains something the Mulder can be handcuffed to, as blood will undoubtedly be spilt and it is unlikely that the Mulder will emerge from such an encounter without requiring hospitalisation and/or many hours of counselling. Or just plain burying, in extreme cases.
On the skids!Krycek (Rattus Juvenalis Dolorous)
It's late, and in an alley behind some anonymous, drab little bar sits the On the Skids!Krycek, wrapped tightly in his leather jacket and well on the way through his second bottle of vodka. The reason? Usually the Angst!Mulder, about whom On the skids!Krycek broods almost continuously. Indeed, this unhappy version of the Krycek is usually deeply dissatisfied with his lot in life generally, and is given to long sessions of drunken introspection.
This Krycek is almost invariably one-armed and tends to favour environments of urban deprivation. He is rarely a healthy individual, since his entire diet consists of raw grain spirits and complimentary bartop peanuts.
Note: It is probably best not to introduce the On the skids!Krycek to the Angst!Mulder or the BasketCase!Mulder as fatalities will probably ensue and the happiest possible outcome is likely to be an angst-fest of mammoth proportions.
Bad but Lovin'!Krycek (Rattus Juvenilis Ambivilus)
A particularly adaptable member of the species, this Krycek continues his career of terrorism, fraud, murder and espionage on the one hand while periodically shacking up with his favorite FBI agent on the other. This partially domesticated Krycek is unlikely to stay with the Mulder for more than a few days at a time and is known for his propensity to vanish at a moment's notice and to return after a week or so with only the occasional scar, bullet wound or CNN news bulletin to account for the time during which he was missing. This mode of behaviour causes the Mulder to have attacks of acute anxiety and/or angst, to which the Krycek responds, when he reappears, by offering to have make-up sex. This works on the Mulder a lot more often than it probably should.
Hot'n'dirty!Krycek (Rattus Juvenalis Smutticans)
This Krycek inhabits the PWP or 'Plot - What Plot?' story, and can usually be found breaking into the HappySlut!Mulder's apartment in the middle of the night for the sole purpose of having sex. Handcuffs may or may not figure, but any resistance on the HappySlut!Mulder's part is likely to be token. Hot'n'Dirty!Krycek usually comes equipped with an imaginative variety of sex toys, unusual costumes and erotic foodstuffs which he enjoys foisting on an unsuspecting but usually unprotesting Mulder.
The Hot'n'Dirty!Krycek can also be found picking total strangers up in bars when the HappySlut!Mulder is unavailable. This Krycek also has a voyeuristic streak, and will set up a video feed in the Mulder's domestic habitat on the flimsiest of excuses. Often the purpose of this is to surprise a visiting Skinner so that this Krycek can indulge in one of its favourite activities, the threesome.
A further sub-group of the Hot'n'Dirty!Krycek is the Whips'n'chains!Krycek. As with many of the Krycek other sub-species, these Kryceks will often be a great deal more familiar with the Discipline!Skinner than they let on.
(Rattus Juvenalis Angelicus)
This Krycek has almost certainly turned from his life of crime (or at least isn't killing people any more, much). When not on the run from his old enemies (most of the governments and covert secret organisations in the northern hemisphere) and dodging frequent assassination attempts, this Krycek has the time and cash to take the Mulder off on exotic holidays and out to expensive restaurants. This Krycek is frequently injured trying to protect the Mulder, leading to touching bedside scenes and the rare appearance of the Repentent!Scully.
A subspecies of Misunderstood!Krycek is In from the cold!Krycek. Totally vindicated of all wrongdoing, In from the cold!Krycek has been revealed as Mulder's bestest buddy ever, protecting him when things went wrong, covering up for him, saving the world, rescuing busloads of nuns etc. etc. Now, at last, his true nature is revealed, dispensing with all that Mulderangst about sleeping with the enemy and allowing our heros to boff like the totally exonerated bunnies that they are.
Bad cop,' McGovern said. 'No donut.'