Disclaimer: All elements of the television show "The X Files" belong to FOX Broadcasting, 1013 "I Made This" Productions, and Chris Carter. Now, I'm assuming that means the boys' naughty bits as well, but since he never shows them to us, I can always dream. Lyrics belong to Sam Phillips and Virgin Records.
Rating: NC-17 for m/m sex, language.
Summary: It's New Year's Eve and Alex does some drinking and some thinking.
Note: Thank you to Sue (thanks for Dear Abby) and Fleur for the beta. What would I do without you? Any remaining mistakes are mine. I know this is a really belated New Year's story, but I am a master procrastinator. Sorry.
Feedback: I would love it! firstname.lastname@example.org
Lying III: The Door
It wasn't what I had to drink
That kept me up all night
Something you said made me think
I was up all night
I forgot my reservation
There's no room for doubt
I don't know how I got in
But you found me out
Now I can't find the door
Love is what I leave for
I can't find the door
Away from you comrade
Damnit. I'd been in this rathole for two hours and I still wasn't drunk enough. I had walked in the front door with visions of getting shitfaced and lost in a crowd. Instead I'd been surprised at the small number of New Year's revelers in the place. I never ceased to be amazed by the suckers who thought that because they all greeted a new day together, it would be different from any other day. All the new year meant was at least three hundred and sixty- five more ways to fuck up. I looked at my watch. There were a few minutes before all hell broke loose. I could stay here until the bells rang and whistles blew and then go back to my apartment.
I motioned to the bartender and he came over. "Bottle of Jack Daniels."
"Hey, buddy, New Year's or not, I think you've had enough."
I reached across the bar and grabbed the guy's shirt. "I'm not your fucking buddy and I'll tell you when I've had enough. Now, set the bottle down and you get to live to see next year."
I let the sorry son of a bitch go with a shove. I'd been watching him as he got paid to serve the pathetic masses, getting them to the point where they could finally cope with their lives, then cutting them off. I hated his kind as much as I needed them.
I glared at him when he put the bottle down next to me. The look on his face reminded me of the way the world saw me. I scared him. I was unstable. I would kill him without a second thought, just for crossing me. He retreated to the other end of the bar and, much to my surprise, started cleaning some glasses. Funny, I didn't think they believed in hygiene in a place like this.
Before I had the chance to get better acquainted with Jack, everyone started counting down the last ten seconds of the old year. At the sound of the first few notes of "Auld Lang Syne", I stood up and threw enough money on the bar to cover my tab and provide a healthy tip. Maybe I was getting soft in my old age. I grabbed the bottle and headed out into the cold.
A bum staggered toward me. "Hey man, wanna share?"
I looked at him and envied the fact that his life would be made better by some whiskey in his belly. My life would be made better by a bullet in my head. I was a fucking asshole. I shook my head to try and rid myself of the veil of self-pity that had descended over me. If there was one thing I couldn't stomach, it was when some snot-nosed little puke whined about how bad his life was. Tonight I would have been tempted to kick my own ass if I wasn't suddenly feeling a little unsteady on my feet. I'll be damned. I guess I was drunk after all.
"Here." I gave him the bottle. I didn't need it. "Happy New Year."
His face lit up as if I'd just given him a winning lottery ticket. "Thanks, man. God bless."
I smiled at the sentiment. Fitting that some poor waste of humanity would be the one and only person to ever wish me anything besides a slow, painful death. Why the hell didn't I just cry myself a river? It would be more subtle. Still, considering it was the holiday season, I expected to feel a little more love from my fellow man. Okay, if I didn't count the shit that had gone down a couple of weeks ago, I could actually make that statement with a straight face.
**I..Alex, I...love you**
Fuck. Thinking about it while it was still so fresh in my mind made me want to scream. If I didn't get back to my apartment I'd end up hurting somebody other than myself. Believe it or not, I didn't want to do that. I'd hurt enough people. Scratch that. I didn't give a shit about everyone I'd hurt, just...
I'd always thought Mulder was a brilliant man, but he'd proven what an idiot he was by telling me he actually loved me. We'd always had an unspoken arrangement and no matter what I may have been feeling for him, I could live with the knowledge that I'd never be on the receiving end of that sort of emotion. The asshole had to go and fuck things up by giving me what I wanted. I should have just laughed at him and walked out. End of story. It would have hurt him, but at least he could go back to hating me like he should, like I was used to. Instead, being the stupid fuck I am, I admitted I felt the same way and stayed with him. I made love to him. Then I left him. God, I'm a piece of shit. At least if I'd just told him to fuck off, he wouldn't be missing me. I laughed at myself. Whoa, Alex. Getting a bit ahead of ourselves, aren't we? The second Mulder read that note, he probably heaved a huge sigh of relief that he didn't have to face the light of day with me in his bed. Maybe he'd chalk it up to temporary insanity and be done with it.
**Let me love you**
Motherfucker! I wondered how long he'd been planning his attack before he laid it on me. It had been months since I'd seen him and I had only gone back to him once I had thoroughly convinced myself that I didn't need or care about him. Imagine my surprise when the prick just let loose with the sweet talk and confessed his true feelings. I was completely blindsided by his admission and thought he was fucking with me. It wasn't until he finally convinced me he meant it that I let down my walls and gave in to him. It had been so easy. Nothing in my life had ever been as easy as that night. If I closed my eyes, I could feel his lips against my ear, his hands sliding over my skin. In my dreams, he was still in my arms as we lay in bed together, the words we'd just spoken falling around us like so much snow. God help me, now I was starting to sound like some ratfuck poem written by a deranged teenager to his high school sweetheart.
Believe it or not, I had woken up early the next morning with the intention of staying. I'd planned on eating breakfast with him, something I never thought I'd do. I had actually managed to convince myself that if he and I could both forget what I was, we could be happy. It wasn't until I had gotten up to use the bathroom and saw his badge lying on top of his dresser, that I realized what my being with him would do to his life and his career. The day he realized he couldn't live with the decision he'd made, I would be there to see his disgust. It would have killed me. I got dressed, and before I left I'd written a note saying all the things I was thinking. I could kick myself for doing that. If it was in writing, it was real. I shouldn't have let it become real.
I hadn't been paying attention to where I was going and when I looked at my surroundings I found myself facing the front of his building. What was I, a fucking homing pigeon? Granted, I didn't live too far from him, which I thought was kind of funny considering he didn't know, but damn, how the hell could I just walk here on automatic pilot like that? Must be a frigging X File because I refused to believe it was a sign from some higher power telling me to get the hell up there and beg his forgiveness for being such a dick. I sighed and looked around at the people on the streets. I hadn't noticed them all before. Most were drunk, some were kissing, others were cracking themselves up by setting off firecrackers on the sidewalk and scaring the hell out of the unaware. God, I hated humans sometimes. I looked up at his window one more time and turned to walk home.
"Go see him."
I turned around to see who'd spoken to me. The only person close enough was some guy who happened to bear more than a passing resemblance to yours truly. Well, he would have if I'd been the poster boy for Baby Gap.
"Are you talking to me?" Suddenly I was Bobby De Niro.
My lookalike nodded and looked up at Mulder's window. "He's probably waiting for you, you know."
I couldn't decide if I felt as if I were on an episode of "The Twilight Zone" or "Touched By An Angel" because when I turned to talk to him, he was gone. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw him walking down the street with either a very close friend or a john.
"Hey!" I shouted to get his attention. Somehow, he heard me and turned around. I walked quickly to catch up with him. "How do you know about him and me?"
"I'd tried to pick him up a couple of weeks ago." Little Alex blushed. So that's what I'd look like if I had any humility. Interesting. "Then last night I saw him again and he ended up telling me everything about the two of you."
"How did you know it was me?"
"Because he told me I looked like you, dummy."
It was only the fact that I'd asked a stupid question that kept me from ending his New Year's celebration right there. Little shit. He looked up at the window again.
"I'm telling you, you should go up there. He's missing you something awful."
I cringed to hear those words coming out of what looked like my mouth. If I ever died and was reincarnated as a goody two shoes, white bread, reject from the fifties, I'd fucking kill myself. Please God, if I do come back again, make it something good like a great white shark, and not some Dear Abby wannabe.
"Maybe there's a reason why I can't see him." Why the hell did I feel the need to justify my decision to this boil on the ass of humanity?
He put his hand on my shoulder. I must have been feeling extremely generous because it stayed attached to his arm. "It's a new year. Clean slate."
As much as I hated to admit it, something in the way he said those last two words made me believe that maybe he was right. I had nothing to lose. If Mulder woke up one day and decided he hated me, fuck it. The point was, he loved me right now. I could live with that. Who was I kidding? It's what I'd been afraid to admit to myself that I'd always wanted. What the hell had I done to deserve this? It must have been pretty decent if it meant I could be happy for once in my sorry life. Shit. I was starting to feel like Julie Andrews in "The Sound of Music". If I broke out into "Something Good" I would give my gun to Baby Alex and ask him to blow my brains out.
I shrugged noncommittally. "Yeah, well, we'll see."
He grinned back at me. "Uh huh. Happy New Year." His friend put an arm around him and they started down the street again.
In all my years, that had to be the weirdest goddamn experience I'd ever had. Considering some of the shit I'd seen and done, that was really saying something. What did I do now, though? I took a deep breath and walked to the front door of Mulder's building, stopping just before I reached to open it. Looking around, I spied a woman a few feet from me holding a decent bouquet of flowers. As if on cue, she put them down on some steps so she could adjust her stockings, giving a few appreciative guys an eyeful. I nabbed the flowers and ran inside Mulder's building. Let the bitch try and get them back.
I walked up to Mulder's floor not trusting my luck and his elevator. It would just be my luck to end up stuck between floors with some dying flowers and enough time to talk myself out of seeing him. All too soon I was at his front door. I was about to walk in, when I decided to do this right. I'd have given anything to stop feeling like some pimply faced wanker hoping to get lucky. Relax, Alex. Think of all the people you've scared, maimed, killed...that's better. I raised my hand and tentatively knocked on the door.
Thinking he hadn't heard me, I was about to knock again when I saw the knob turn slowly. The door opened and revealed a slightly mussed, bleary-eyed Fox. He squinted at me.
My blood froze and I sobered instantly. Who the fuck was Michael? Goddamnit! I knew this had been a fucking mistake. I couldn't say a word as he rubbed his eyes and took a good look at me.
"Shit! Alex..." Before I could protest, he had pulled me into his apartment and started babbling. "God, you never knock and he looks so much like you...I'd just woken up and...and I mean, I had no reason to believe that you'd ever show up here again...I had, um, just seen him last night and figured that he'd come by to see if...if I was okay and--" He stopped and pointed at the flowers in my hand. "What are those?"
I stuck out my arm and presented them to him like a second grader giving his teacher an apple on the first day of school. I had no idea what to say. This was not the kind of thing I made a habit of doing. "Um, happy New Year," I mumbled.
He carefully reached out a hand and took the arrangement from me. Raising it to his nose, he grinned then took a quick sniff. "I didn't have you pegged for a romantic."
"Don't start or I'm leaving." My voice sounded low and steady, but my heart was racing. I already felt like an idiot. I didn't need him to remind me of how ridiculous I must seem. Damnit, I didn't know how to act normally around him and was afraid that if I broke down and showed him how relieved I was to be here, he'd think I was weak and wouldn't want me anymore.
"Don't leave." His face was serious and I wanted nothing more than to get down on my knees and tell him how sorry I was for hurting him.
He moved forward and put his arms around me. As I moved into the heat of his embrace, he tightened his grip, the paper wrapping of the bouquet rustling as it rubbed against my back. "I'm sorry," I whispered into his ear.
"I know. It's okay." I felt him kiss my hair and inhale deeply. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to relax. Well, as much as someone like me could ever relax. I'd never let go completely, even with him. It wasn't in me.
"Can I stay?" I already knew the answer, but I asked just in case. Feelings can change at the drop of a hat and I needed to know that he still wanted me to be in his life.
He pushed me away from him, leaving me feeling cold. "I think you know the answer to that. Why did you ask me?" I could have sworn there was a hint of hostility lurking behind that question. Whatever it may have been, it was enough to put me on the defensive.
"I just wanted to know where I stand with you. I don't think it's unreasonable." I should have told myself to be quiet. I was starting to act like a moron. It was a role I played well, but this was not the time or the place for another performance. Why the fuck couldn't I just shut up and let him love me?
I couldn't have predicted what he'd do next. In a flash, the flowers had been flung across the room, hitting the opposite wall. Silken petals fluttered to the floor, joining the leaves and stems that were in a crumpled mess on the carpet. His hands were grabbing my upper arms and he was shaking me. I could have ended it right there. No one touched me like that and lived to see another day. No one but him.
"Fuck you, Alex! You know damn well that I want you here with me, sharing my life. I don't know why you feel like you can come back to me and start acting like some fucking victim, pretending you don't know what the hell I want from you." He shoved me backwards and slowly lifted a trembling hand, running it through his hair. "If that's the only way you can get off, I want you out of my goddamned life. I've had it." The look in his eyes was almost unreadable. Sure, he was pissed as hell, but I thought I might have seen a little bit of hatred in the glare he shot me. That hadn't taken long.
I moved toward him and raised a hand to touch his face. He flinched and backed away. I should have just walked out, but for once I was going to do the opposite of what my gut was telling me. For this one night I would listen to my poor excuse for a heart.
"What are you saying, Mulder?"
He raised his eyes to the ceiling and laughed the most frustrated yet resigned laugh I'd ever heard. With a deep sigh, he looked at me. I felt myself shrinking under the weight of that gaze. My legs were itching to carry me out the front door almost as much as my hands wanted to grab him and kiss him, putting an end to all of my bullshit posturing.
"Krycek," I didn't like the sound of my name when he said it like that, "you are the most asinine, stupid, dense, idiotic, pathetic...blockhead I have ever known. Not even two weeks ago I laid all my cards on the table. I told you exactly what I felt, feared, wanted...every *fucking* thing! You acted like you understood what I was saying. Did I underestimate your intelligence? Are you just a big, brainless, killer, whose one redeeming quality is how well you can handle your...gun?" His eyes flickered downward and made it clear enough, even for me, what he was implying. "If you're going to insist on being an imbecile, I want nothing to do with you. I don't have room in my life or my bed for someone so obviously lacking in the sense God gave a fruit fly."
His tirade washed over me, leaving me slightly stunned at the fervor with which it was delivered. It also amused the hell out of me as I wondered when his standards had suddenly become so high. Before I could stop myself, I started smiling, then chuckling, until I was laughing so hard my sides began to ache. At first the expression on his face was one of shock then finally he cracked a smile and started laughing with me.
I sniffed and wiped my eyes. "Blockhead? Damnit, Mulder. Even you could come up with something better than that."
He nodded his head. "Yeah. And where the hell did I get 'fruit fly' from?"
I snorted. "I don't know, but I'm an idiot, remember?"
"Oh, god." He grinned and put a hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry for saying those things." His hand moved to cup the side of my face and I needed him to kiss me more than I needed his apology.
I moved forward until we were nose to nose, our lips almost touching. "I can't blame you. You're right, I am stupid. Forgive me?"
He snaked a hand around to the back of my neck, the warmth of his touch thrilling me. "Always." He pressed his lips to mine and I finally surrendered to him. My mouth opened under the gentle assault and his tongue slid over mine, hot and restless, almost unforgiving in its urgency. I welcomed the sudden demand coming from him and I let his need flow through me. His mouth was claiming me and that was something I knew I would willingly give in to.
There was a moan of protest as he broke our kiss and it took me a minute to realize it had come from me. His eyes were dark, his lips swollen and wet, and when he moved his hips against me, I could feel how much he wanted me. As he started to grind his cock against mine, the surge of arousal that ran through my body awakened every nerve ending. I moved my hand down between us and started to undo his jeans.
"Not yet," he whispered. I felt a hand in my hair and he pulled my head back, exposing my throat to him. Soon that magical mouth was threatening to suck the life out of me. His tongue was hot as it flicked across the sensitive skin of my neck and I was sure he was marking me for life. The heat moved to my collar bone and a quick bite made me cry out. A muffled apology and his lips were again on mine, his tongue thrusting deeply into my mouth, a reminder that every bit of me was his.
Somehow we managed to stumble toward the bedroom, never breaking our embrace. It was as if neither of us wanted to risk letting the other go even though we knew there was no longer any danger of being apart. As we fell onto the bed, a messy heap of limbs and stifled giggles, I couldn't help but wonder if I was dreaming. Maybe I'd finally gotten killed and was in heaven. That thought flew from my mind when I realized I'd never make it to heaven and there's no way Fox would be in hell with me. I smiled at the thought that I was indeed alive, not dreaming, and that his tongue really was doing some amazing things with mine.
Our hands quickly got to work removing our clothes, roaming over familiar terrain once the intruding garments were out of the way. My fingertips could read every inch of his body like a map, but this time they shook and were almost afraid to touch him. It had never been like this. Even the last time we'd been together had not been this frightening. It had been warm and sweet and I had felt so grateful to him then. Now, I knew that this really was the beginning of forever for us. I didn't want to screw this up. He sensed my hesitation and took my hand, placing it over his heart.
"Don't be afraid." Stretching out on top of me, he gently kissed my ear then nuzzled my neck. "I love you. There's nothing to fear."
I started to laugh. "Nothing except what kind of presents you'd give me for my birthday."
Raising his head, he looked at me. "Are you questioning my taste?" He brushed his thumb across my lower lip.
I kissed his thumb. "You don't have any. What's to question?"
"Don't make me bring up your, ahem, clothing choices when we were partners." That shut me up. "What makes you think I'd ever give you a present anyway?"
I rolled him onto his back and moved my hand down between us, grasping his cock. "Because I love you. You'll have to pay me off somehow."
"Ahh, I see," he said, taking hold of my erection and running a thumb over the head, making me squirm. He brought his thumb to his mouth and licked the shiny fluid collected there. "Mmm, how about if I give you a present now?"
My cock jumped at the promise in those words, but I wanted to do a little giving of my own first. I slid down his lean body and took him into my mouth before he could argue with me. The sharp taste of him made my mouth water and I licked and sucked him hungrily. I had so much to make up for. I thought of all the times I hadn't done this to him because of some pointless mindgame I had always felt the need to play and cursed myself for the lost opportunities. Our last time together was only just the start for me. I could see myself being quite satisfied to set up a permanent home here between his legs. My musings stopped when I felt his hand in my hair.
"Alex...I love you, baby." I almost bit him in my surprise at hearing him call me that. How the fuck could I love him anymore than I already did? I would have died for him at that very moment. I wanted to make him come so hard he'd never forget me. Easing my mouth off of him, and ignoring his objections to my sudden change of plans, I licked a finger and slid it into his ass. The sudden thrust of his hips as he wanted more of me inside him, made me happier than all the times I'd helped rid the world of useless scum. I wasn't sure what this would do to my kill record, but I could live with a few less dead bodies on my hands.
"You want me to fuck you, Fox?" Who the hell was I kidding? I needed to get my dick into that sweet ass fast, but I wanted him to tell me how much he wanted me. There was no record of anyone actually dying from not being able to fuck their lover quickly enough, but that didn't mean it had never happened.
"Do it...now. Fuck me, Alex."
I laughed. "Not yet." I moved my finger until it slid over the smooth surface of his prostate, making him shout out. I lowered my head and ran my tongue in a slow line along the underside of his penis from the base to the tip, kissing the head.
"I don't think so, Fox." I amazed myself with the amount of self-restraint I was demonstrating. I'd dreamt about sucking his cock more than I'd ever dreamt about anything. Even on all those nights when I would have killed for a warm place to sleep, I stayed alive because thoughts of this man ran through my head. I licked up and down his dick, but never giving him what he wanted. When I started to suck and lick his balls, he moaned and grabbed my hair, pulling my head up so I was forced to look at him.
"You want me to beg?" His voice was soft and needy. "I don't want to play these games anymore. Not tonight."
That statement hung in the air until I made my admission. "Games are all I know, Fox."
He shook his head. "No, they're not. Baby, you know so much more than that. You know how to love me."
I felt my heart in my throat at his words and didn't know what to say. He felt my hesitation.
"Show me, Alex. Like last time."
He let go of my hair as I shifted to move up his body. I never broke his gaze as I raised his legs and positioned myself between them. I bit back a groan as I felt the head of my cock slide into the moist heat of his body. He sighed and closed his eyes as I started to move slowly inside him.
"Fox....you're so hot...I need you so much." I didn't know what I was saying to him. All I could feel was the way his body held onto me as I fucked him.
"Alex..." It was a plea.
"Tell me..." I knew he wanted more, but he needed to say it.
"Hard, make it harder...fuck me, Alex..." His face was so beautiful and I had to taste that mouth again. I covered his mouth with mine and sucked on his tongue and lips, feeling like a desperate man. If I let him go, I knew I'd die.
"I don't want to hurt you..." I started to thrust into him a little faster, his muscles holding onto my cock, making me grunt as I slid in and out of him.
"Do it...hurt me..." I was surprised and turned on even more by the prospect that he wanted me to get rough with him.
"No, Fox...I can't..."
"Think of what I've done to you....make me pay..."
I didn't know if I'd be able to get off more than a couple of thrusts before I came, but I'd do my damnedest to concentrate and give him what he wanted. I moved faster until I was slamming into him again and again, making sure he knew I'd never let him go and that we belonged to each other. I started to think about how much I loved him and what kind of shit we'd done to one another. He was responding to me, urging me to fuck him until I was pounding into him. I made him feel how much he'd hurt me by not telling me sooner how much he wanted me. I don't know what kind of entity possessed me at that moment but I felt the pressing urgency to fuck his head through the goddamn headboard. It wasn't anger or violence. It was need and regret and hope pushing me into him, making me feel the need to mark him, hurt him.
I was vaguely aware that he was screaming my name and I wasn't sure if it was from pain or pleasure but at that point I didn't care. He needed to remember who was making him feel this way in case he ever decided to take it away from me. I suddenly heard the strangled cry he gave as I made him come. His semen shot all over the both of us and I wanted to lick him clean, tasting what I'd been craving for days.
"You're mine, damnit!" I tried in vain to keep fucking him as his muscles contracted around my cock. I couldn't hold back any longer as I felt all the tension and pressure, fear and uncertainty I'd been feeling for the past couple of weeks shoot from deep within me, through my cock, and into him. I don't know what the hell I shouted as I came. It may have been Russian, Swahili, or Pig Latin for all I knew. All I did know was that I'd just fucked the man I would love for the rest of my life. After all the wasted time, he was mine.
I didn't move. He stared up at me, his face glistening with sweat. Neither of us said a word. I bent my head down and placed the softest, gentlest kiss on his lips that I could muster. There was still a part of me that wanted to crush that tender mouth, but I held it in check.
"I love you." The sound of my voice surprised me. It sounded so sincere and...human. Don't be mistaken. I meant the words I said, I was just amazed by how much. I moved down and flicked my tongue over his torso, lapping up his come. He slowly stroked my hair and then said something.
"What, babe?" The endearment felt natural rolling off my tongue and was out of my mouth before I could think about it.
"I said, I love you, too."
I positioned myself to stretch out next to him and he shifted into my arms, the same way he had the last time we had been together. The softness of his hair under my cheek and the warmth of his body comforted me more than anything in my life ever had. This time when I fell asleep I knew that no matter what happened, I wouldn't leave him.
I read over the note in my hands before I placed it on the pillow next to him, wanting to make sure everything was clear.
Hey Lover, Happy New Year. Since I woke up absolutely ravenous this morning and you have *nothing* edible in this place, I went out to get us some breakfast. Hope you like brioche, croissants, and *decent* coffee because that's what you're getting. I'm probably going to be cold when I get back so keep that pretty ass of yours in bed and be ready to warm me up. Love you. Alex
I leaned down and kissed his forehead, brushing a lock of hair out of the way.
I'd try to be back before he woke up.