AUTHOR: unChuck (lopsdied@usa.net)
DATE: 10/31/98

DISTRIBUTION: Not without author's permission

SUMMARY: Mulder's having a bad day. It gets worse.

DISCLAIMER: The X-Files and these characters are the
property of Ten Thirteen Productions and Fox. No copyright infringementis intended.

NOTES: This is very silly indeed!

He knew it was a mistake. He shouldn't pick it up. If he did, things wouldonly get worse. Yeah, it had been one of THOSE days. It started out badand went downhill from there. He looked at his watch; it was nearly 10:30p.m. and he was sitting there, staring at it, debating. He picked it up.

"Mulder here."

"Is this Mr. Fox Mulder?"

"Yes." It was going to be bad news, he just knew it.

"This is Doctor Jacobs from D.C. General."

Very bad news.

"We've been asked to contact you by a patient. He was brought in onemergency and has asked that you come down to the hospital."

"I see." His heart sank further into his stomach. He gritted histeeth and asked the doctor, "Who is it?"

"This is a bit awkward sir, but he's asked us not to tell you. I cansay that this man certainly could use a friend or relative at this timeand that this is definitely a serious situation that we are dealing withMr. Mulder. So, I would ask your understanding under these unique circumstances."

Mulder lowered his head until it was nearly between his knees. Very bad,very, very bad. "Okay, I'll be there in 15 minutes."

Still wearing the jeans and t-shirt he had put on after getting home fromwork, he rushed through the doors of the emergency room. He was temptedto whip out his gun and scan the room for undercover Consortium agents.It had been that kind of day, one that just didn't let up, and now he neededto let off some steam, maybe shoot somebody. That would have been nice.Shoot some half-human, half-alien hybrid and watch them turn into a puddleof green jelly, before bubbling and evaporating away, conveniently leavingno trace of their existence. But there were no half-human, half-alien hybridsin the emergency ward, at least none that he could see. Worse, he didn'teven have his gun with him. His big, powerful FBI gun. Gripped firmly inhis hand. Hard steel. Cocked and loaded. Nope. He felt naked without it.Instead, it was just him, and his tight jeans and messed up psyche, respondingto a call from some doctor who wouldn't tell him what was wrong.

Life. It could really bite sometimes.

Regaining his confidence, he walked over to the nearest and best lookingnurse and asked to speak with Dr. Jacobs. She had blonde hair, shaped intocurls framing her soft, round face. Her tight uniform showed off her shapelyfigure. Mulder liked what he saw.

"Are you Mr. Mulder?" she asked.

"Yes." Half-heartedly, he gave her one of his smiles. The kindhe used to act coy and sexy, with that little head tilt. He was always amazedat how such a small thing could get you so far in life. A little wink, alittle smile and women would do just about anything he wanted. And a fewmen would too, but that was a different subject. He was here to solve themystery of the late-night phone call, not play wink-wink, nudge-nudge withsome blonde in a nurse's uniform.

"You'll need to follow me then, he's back in the private ward."

Mulder followed the nurse, or more precisely her shapely ass. Maybe thisnight would turn out better than he planned.

"Dr. Jacobs, this is the gentleman you called for."

Unfortunately, Mulder's time with the shapely nurse was all too brief. Hisday was getting worse. Again.

"Thank you for coming, Mr. Mulder."

Now when was the last time he heard that? He paused for a second. July?June? February? Yep. Much worse.

He give the doctor a quick once-over. The man reminded him a bit of GeorgeClooney, that actor on E.R., only without the stupid-ass Nero haircut. GeorgeClooney, hmmmm, maybe he should start setting his sights higher than justnurses. A uniform fetish was one thing, but a doctor, now they came withlittle black bags, full of all sorts of interesting things. Hmmmmm...

"What can you tell me, doctor?"

"Well, sir, this is a very complicated case. It may not be easy toexplain."

"You can skip the 'sir,' Mulder's fine." Mulder considered doingthe head-tilting, smile thing, but then decided against it. The doctor waskinda cute, but not that cute, and besides, he was running out of energy.He knew this was going to be a long night and he'd need what little strengthhe had to get through it. But somehow, a wink slipped out. Just a littleone, but a wink none the less. Habit, he guessed. Sometimes his body justdid things. The doctor seemed to not notice the slip.

"Well, your friend hasn't told us much, but we have been able to deducemost of the events that lead up to the injury."

"What exactly is the nature of the injury, doctor?"

"The patient was bitten."

Mulder paused, assuming the doctor would continue his explanation of thesituation. When the doctor seemed to hesitate, he stepped in. "Bitten?"

"By a snake."

His heart sank. This was getting wierd. This story was going to be downrightugly. And he was going to have to live through every single painful momentof it. Great.

"A snake?"

"Well, a rattlesnake to be specific." The doctor's brow furrowed,as if he were in great pain, just attempting to explain the case.

Mulder hoped the story would end here, but he seriously doubted that itwould be this simple. Snake bites man. End of story. Nope. It was goingto get worse. Mulder braced himself and asked the next logical question.

"He's okay, isn't he? Is he in any danger?"

"I'm not going to lie to you, um, Mulder, the injury is serious. Luckily,he came in quickly enough for us to administer the appropriate treatment.However, he's still in a great deal of pain and anguish."

Mulder quietly nodded his head, acknowledging the doctor's words.

"The man was very fortunate that his neighbors were complaining aboutthe noise."

"The noise?" Mulder looked puzzled.

"Yes, from the stereo." The doctor answered his inquiry with theminimum amount of information. Mulder suspected that the doctor was teasinghim, giving him just enough of the story to drive him crazy. He wished thathe could toss this guy into an interrogation room and beat the story outof him.

"The stereo?"

"Yes, the older gentleman living next door called the police complainingabout the loud music. K.C. and the Sunshine Band, I believe."

"Shake Your Booty?" Mulder attempted to clarify the point.

"Don't forget 'Play That Funky Music White Boy,'" the doctor added.

Mulder listened quietly while the doctor continued his explaination. Asthe story unfolded, he let out a deep sigh. This was getting ugly again,and he didn't even know who it was, who was bitten by a rattlesnake. Whatwould a rattlesnake be doing in Washington, D.C. anyway?

"But luckily the police did find the man's pet."


"Um, yes. His pet. The rattlesnake."

"His pet?" Mulder wanted to bang his head against the wall. Godwas playing some cruel joke on him again.

"Well, yes. 'Dana' I think is what he called it. He was reluctant totell us at first. but eventually most of the story came out. The pain wasoverwhelming."

Pain. Mulder knew pain. He was experiencing it at this very moment. Lotsof it. "Dana?"


"Dana the Rattlesnake bit him?"



"In his apartment."

This was turning into a bad Three Stooges movie, but so far there were onlytwo stooges, Mulder and the doctor. Unless you counted the mystery patient.Four, if you count the snake. "Where?"

"The emergency crew found him in his apartment, collapsed on the floor."

"Is there anything else?" Mulder hoped not, he couldn't take muchmore of this.

"Well..." The doctor hesitated, for what seemed like the twelfthtime in the past fifteen minutes.


"There is the matter of his, um, attire at the time."

"His attire?" The doctor was doing it again, spooning out informationone, tiny detail at a time. What Mulder would have given to be in that interogationroom. "Can you be more specific, doctor?"

"He was naked."

"Naked?" Mulder closed his eyes and gritted his teeth.

"Yes, that was his condition when the crew found him in his apartment."

"Is there anything else?"


Another hesitation by the doctor. Mulder balled his hands into fists. Ifhe'd only brought that gun.

"It's just a matter of where he was bitten."

"Where he was bitten?"


Mulder felt the vein in his forehead pulsing. In another few seconds itwould explode.

"He was bitten in an area that one would normally assume would be covered.Especially in the presence of snakes."

He was starting to go sick in the stomach. "May I see the patient,doctor?"

"He's right through here, Mulder." The doctor pointed him throughthe doorway to his right. He was now a jumble of nerves. Walking stridently,he passed by the doctor and pushed open the door. The room was dark, buthe could see the man laying meekly in the bed, all sorts of tubes and monitoringcables coming out of his body. There seemed to be a large number of themconcentrated on the area between the man's legs. Mulder focused on the man'sface. Even through the pain that wracked his body, he could still see theeyes. Those green eyes. They were something Mulder could never forget.

"Hello, Alex, it's been a long time."

Suddenly, his day was looking up.

"I guess you don't meed me to ssssssuck the poison out, do you Alex?"Mulder gleefully emphasized that one word, that one, luscious word.

Alex just layed there and groaned.

Yep. Mulder's day was definitely looking up.


Inspired by page 113 in the November issue of Men's Health magazine.

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