spontaneous human combustion

"So, any ideas on the case, Alex?"

"Well let's see... three people are dead, from apparent spontaneous human combustion during one of North Dakota's worst blizards in the past twenty years. There were no witnesses and none of the people we've interviewed think anything unusual is going on."


"Sorry, Mulder, I'm drawin' a blank here."

"Hand me the frog, will you?"

"Sure, here you go. So, what's your idea?"

"Well, take this frog."


"For argument's sake, let's say this frog is our first victim."

"Okay, the froggie is Fred Farnesworth. Fred Farnesworth, the flammable froggie from Fargo."

"Cute. Now where was I? Oh, yeah, flammable Freddie here reportedly went up in flames on or about 3pm last Tuesday, shortly after that day's snow storm passed out of town, leaving 14 inches of snow behind."

"Yep, so far, I follow you."

"But what happened before 3pm, Alex?"

"I give, Mulder, what happened?"

"Why he went to the local general store to purchase groceries and to hear the local news from the owner, Dorothy Drake."

"Yeah, and?"

"Scoot over a bit will you? And hand me the little duck."

"Sure, so you think Dottie the Duckie has something to do with it?"

"Maybe, maybe not. But why would a man in his sixties brave a raging snowstorm just to get some milk and a box of Cheerios?"

"Maybe he really liked Cheerios."

"Or maybe he was psychically compelled to drive through a raging snowstorm to buy a box of cereal."

"Mulder, you honestly want me to believe Freddie the Frog was 'psychically compelled'? Dottie the Duckie used mental telepathy to get Freddie the Frog to buy some Cheerios and then burst into flames?"

"One cannot conceive anything so strange and so implausible that it has not already been said by one philosopher or another. Or one little green froggie or an otter."

"Descartes, right?"

"Alex, you surprize me!"

"Okay, I get that the duckie could have had something to do with it, but what about the soap, what does it represent?"

"The soap?"

"Yeah. Now where did that bar of soap go?"

"Um, Alex, that's not the soap."

"Oh, I know, Mulder."

"Alex, um, Alex..."


"Remind me to never take another bath with you."

"Okay, will do. But will you do something for me?"

"Uh, um, wha, what?"

"Remind me to ask the front desk if they have a room with a bigger tub."

"Yeah, uh, uh, shu, sure."

"Everything okay, Mulder?"

"Sl, Slow down, Alex, I'm, um, um...I don't want to, to, um..."

"Spontaneously combust?"

"K, Krycek, when, um, when we get, um... When we get, get, get..."


"When we get out of, oh, out of here, I'm gonna kick your ass."

"Oh, I'm countin' on it, Mulder."
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the end - by the lopsided weevil