Disclaimer: I neither own Krycek, nor Skinner, Marcus Cole, Kronos, Silas and
Caspian, nor Dr Bashir, Tom Veil, Lucas Buck and Sheriff Brock nor Sergant
Pepper's lonely hearts club, they were other peoples' ideas. Bringing them
together was mine.

Ratings: PG for m/m affection (sorry, no slash), S for silly and H for humor.

Spoiler: several series, MIB, several fan-fiction especially "Closecall" by
Boadicea, small spoilers for "Descent" by Russianrat or "Nemesis" by Dyevka,
etc., hope they don't mind; take it as a hommage.

There's also a quote of the Genesis song * I can't dance * and a small
allusion to Terry Pratchett.

Special thanks to my sister for inspiration.

Feedback always welcome: mochr.hoefig@waischenfeld.baynet.de

For everyone who doesn't know all of the guys, I've written a short
description in order of appearance. Don't be surprised that some of them
don't seem to be attractive, but there's not really an orgy starting in this


-Krycek: the sexiest rat alive;-) Huge green eyes with looong eyelashes, a
very pretty nose, tall, slender, long legs and a hot ass. He's a thug, some
would call him evil.

-Skinner: Assistant Director at the FBI, looks like proof for the proverb
that bald men are more potent. Very tall, very masculine.

Picket Fences:

-Sheriff Brock: A family father who tries to appear more tolerant than he is.
Doesn't make a very intelligent impression, but he's fun.


-Kronos: mad, evil immortal, heart of the Horsemen Of Evil, a group of
immortals who caused terror in the bronze time, founder of the legend of the
Horsemen Of Apocalypse. Not tall, but robust, dark hair, mad eyes and he's
very charismatic.

-Silas: Horseman Of Evil. Large, massive, blonde and dump. Completely
brainless look on his face.

-Caspian: Horseman Of Evil. Looks like a brute, is a brute.

Babylon 5:

-Marcus Cole: a noble ranger. Tall slender, large blue eyes, velvet, lush
black hair; he looks like a girl's dream prince.

American Gothic:

-Lucas Buck: keeper of law and order in a small, idyllic town. He's a kind of
devil, cruel, arrogant, cynical, evil. And he's handsome: Tall, slender,
light brown hair: the paragon of temptation.

Deep Space Nine:

-Dr Julian Bashir: Young, pretty, huge eyes, black hair, tall and slender,
looong legs. He's quite arrogant and quite intelligent. I wonder what he
and the chief engineer Miles O'Brien are doing all the time they spent
together in the holo-suites.;-)

Nowhere Man:

-Tom Veil: A tall, slender, handsome journalist, fair hair, huge eyes and a
very good stature. He's being chased by a strange organisation since the day
all of his friends didn't recognize him anymore from one minute to the other.
Note to Foxwoman: Don't worry, you can beta-read this without getting

Men in Black:

Who doesn't know these guys who are saving the earth and the hundreds of
legal aliens from the scum of the universe?

Chaos in Minds-town
by Ratwoman

The year is 1998, the name of the place is minds-town, the place where the
writers' characters spent their time during the breaks in shooting.

A.D. Skinner already regretted having invited Krycek for coffee. When he met
him out on the street half an hour ago, the boy had looked so down that
Skinner had really pitied him. He knew CC was a very cruel master, and
Krycek had had to go through a lot in the last few episodes. Skinner still
had some time left until he would be needed for his scenes in the next
episode, so why not invite Krycek for a coffee and try to console him?
Besides, he had nothing else to do. So they had entered Sergant Pepper's
lonely hearts club.

And now? Krycek was drowning in self-pity, as if he was the only one who'd
suffered since CC had invented the X-files. Meanwhile it was getting on
Skinner's nerves.

"Why does it always have to be me?" Krycek lamented. "Why did CC invent me,
when all he ever does is toture me? And no one seems to mind - not Marita,
not the X-phyles - even the MKRA are mean to me!"

"Krycek, you aren't the only one." Skinner tried to remind him. "Don't you
remember that my wife left me, Louis Cardinal shot me and you beat me up

Krycek looked up mockingly. "Oh, I'm so sorry for you. Bet that's worse than
being kept in a silo for an indefinite time. And certainly much worse than
losing an arm. Then I'm also in love with Mulder, but all he *wants to do is
rub my face in the dirt*. And... do you know how often I get raped in these
damned fan fictions?" Krycek's eyes narrowed. "I even remember several times
when YOU raped me."

"That wasn't my decision."Skinner murmured. Their conversation started to
become awkward, so Skinner looked around for an escape. "Ah, I see over
there's an old friend of mine. Sorry, Krycek, I have at least to say hello."
Skinner said, stood up and walked towards a man in a sheriff's uniform
sitting on a table near the bar.
"Hello, my name is Skinner." he said as he sat down next to him. "Just act
as if you knew me, I'm trying to get rid of my date."

The Sheriff stared at him uncomprehendingly with his mouth slightly open.
He didn't make a very intelligent impression. Skinner sighed. That was
certainly not his best day.

Krycek stared sadly into his cup of coffee. Nobody liked him. Nobody
understood him. No one even tried. He emptied his cup and stood up in order
to leave the club, when a familiar voice called out:"YOU!"

Krycek turned around to face the dark-haired immortal with the insane look
in his eyes. Oh no, not him again!

Kronos could hardly believe his luck. He'd always hoped for a sequel to this
nice, dirty fan fic where he'd met that boy over there and taken him in a
dark side street. Now there was that boy again. They could repeat the events,
maybe this time without any lubrication, so he'd be very amused when the
boy tried hard not to scream. With a cruel smile Kronos walked towards the
young man in the leather jacket.

Krycek turned around to run away, but he bumped into a very large, blonde
man, who said with a completely brainless grin: "Hi!"

Krycek's heart made a leap of fear, then he tried to run past the man.

"Silas! Caspian! Don't let him escape!" his earlier acquaintance called,
whereupon the brainless blonde grabbed his right arm with a firm grip, that
nearly made him tumble and fall. Another man, who looked brainless in
another way, like a dangerous, savage animal, packed his left shoulder
shortly above where his prothesis began.

"Brothers," Krycek heard the voice of his ex-and-future-tormentor say, "we
have here a very nice peace of meat to share among us." Krycek tried in vain
to withdraw himself of the iron grip of these living nightmares, when the
third man's hands grabbed into his asscheeks in an unmisinterpretable
gesture. "Let's take him out on the street where no one will disturb us."
His acquaintance added to his horrors.

"What a rude behaviour!" a voice with a British accent called out. "Let him

Krycek turned his head to see a tall, slender man with black hair and a
short beard, dressed in strange, black clothes, which fitted to him
fantastically. But to Krycek's concern he wasn't wearing any weapons.

"Keep out of that!" snarled the man Krycek knew from earlier fanfic."Except
you want to take his place...later!"

The handsome man in black sighed with a don't-tell-me-I-didn't-try-to-warn
-you-look on his face and produced somehow somewhere a long grey battle
fighting stab thing seemingly out of the air, which he slammed against the
jaw of the obvious leader of the three pedestrians of evil.

When he fell unconscius to the ground, the two others stared at Krycek's hero
for a moment in deepest indignation, then they let Krycek go and attacked
the man with the stab, one of them, the brute-like one, growling like a
wild animal.

Krycek's saver easily managed to knock out the brute, but the massive
blonde was a more difficult case. He just didn't lose consciousness, no
matter how hard he was hit with the battle stab.

It would have been saver to run away, but dammit, it was the first time that
someone tried to help Krycek, he couldn't just let him down now! So Krycek
gut-punched the blonde giant - with no effect, except that he turned around
with a furious look in his eyes and hit Krycek into his face.

Krycek tumbled backwards, his cheek exploding in pain. He was half aware
that the giant was walking angrily towards him while the brave-hearted
(st)ranger was striking in vain against the giant's back again and again.
With a bit of annoyance he could also see Skinner at the other end of the
room watching the fight without making the slightest move to help him, while
Skinner's friend stared at them with his mouth wide open. A second sheriff -
a very good looking one - sat down beside them and shut the other sheriff's
jaw with an amused smile.

Well, what mattered now was the insane giant attacking him. But as the giant
stroke out for another hit, his gaze suddenly became empty and he fell
unconsciously to the ground. A pretty young man with very large eyes stood
smiling behind him with a strange tool in his hands.

"Narcotics," Dr Bashir said smiling, "It always works." When he'd seen
these men fighting, he of course had had to intervene. After all he was a
Starfleet officer, not to intervene would be considered dishonorable. On the
other hand he suddenly was worried whether he had just harmed the prime

However, before he could introduce himself and start a pleasant conversation,
a tall, slender man came along and stared at the chaos with fear.

"That... certainly has something to do with me!" he called out in a paranoic
tone. "But you won't catch me!"

Julian was a doctor, he had to take care for that poor paranoic creature.
Especially since he was goodlooking and since Miles O'Brien had no more time
for him since his wife was back on DS9. He'd always liked blonde men, and
this one looked much better than Miles.

"Calm down," Dr Bashir said and walked appeasing towards the fearful man.
"Nobody here wants to hurt you!"

"Don't..." the man stammered and receded with horror in his eyes. "Stay away
from me!"

"I'm your friend." Dr Bashir said calmly.

"Dr Belami always said that, too!" the stranger said with hysterical laughter
and receded further.
The doctor followed his prey.

"Thanks for your intervening!" Krycek said to the beautiful man who'd rescued
him. "I already had a hard week."

"I am always glad to help." the stranger said. "My name is Marcus Cole."

"Alex Krycek." Krycek introduced himself. "From the X-files."

"Ah, I heard your master is almost as cruel as the Great Maker." Marcus said.
Of course the men in black always tried to prevent that members of different
series met each other, but sometimes some information slipped through the
guardiance. And if it was just caused by the crossovers.

"Chris Carter is truly heartless." Krycek agreed. "But the fan fic-authors
are even worse. As if I didn't have enough problems, they decided that I'm
unrequited in love with Mulder."

"I know how that is."Marcus replied. "I'm in love with Ivanova, but the
Great Maker doesn't want her to return my love." A melancholic look appeared
on the ranger's expressive face. "She's so beautiful. And so strong and so
brisk. And she's got such a dark kind of humor."

"Yeah," Krycek said, "I also love Mulder's sick sense of humor."

"When she smiles it's like sunrise." Marcus continued. "Normally she's just
nasty to me, but the rare times she smiles, I'm happy in the dephts of my

"Congratulations!" Krycek said dryly. "Mulder never smiles to me. I'm glad
when he doesn't beat me."

Marcus looked at him with compassion. "Does he hate you so much?"

"Well, the MKRA think, he just beats me because that is the only way for him
to express that he really wants to fuck me." Krycek answered. "However,
there's no chance for a happy end."

Marcus nodded his head. That was a man with similar problems, who could
really understand him!

"I fear, the Great Maker has already decided to let me die as a virgin."

"You mean, you never...?" Krycek asked in surprise. A man as beautiful should
be a virgin?
"That was the Great Maker's decision, not mine." Marcus replied.

Damn, that man was so handsome! In a completely different way than Mulder, of
course, but... It was such a waste that Marcus still waited for a woman who
was obviously blind, deaf and couldn't smell if she ignored such a man. He
couldn't permit that his saver didn't gain any experience... That way he
could at least thank him for saving his life.

Krycek stepped closer to Marcus and said in a low voice:"Why don't you forget
what your Great Maker decided and come with me to a quiet, private place,
where no one will disturb us?"

Desire flackered up in Marcus's beautiful blue eyes. Eyes almost as beautiful
as Mulder's.

"I don't know if that's right." he said hesitatingly.

"Right, wrong, good, bad - all that are just relative terms." Krycek
whispered and raised a hand to gently caress the ranger's precious cheek and
to pass through his lush, velvet hair.

Marcus closed his eyes when the young man touched him. He'd been waiting for
so long. Ivanova didn't show him the slightest sign of affection. And now
there was this decidedly goodlooking young man who wanted him - well, not
exactly him, he really wanted a man named Mulder, as Marcus himself wanted,
loved Ivanova, but as long as this was settled... why not?

On the other hand he wanted to wait for the right one, the one he loved.
After all he was a romantic idealist, and a casually walked along daredevil
wouldn't change it! Granted, a very sexy daredevil. And his eyes... huge
green eyes, almost as beautiful as Ivanova's.

Before Marcus could protest, Alex closed his mouth with a wild passionate
kiss, setting his virtuous heart on fire.

Sheriff Jimmy Brock felt definitively superfluous. The man named Skinner who
was avoiding his date was now talking intensively with the Sheriff who'd
introduced himself as Lucas Buck. They were talking about power, problems
with subordinates... all things he'd have to say something about, too, but
they were ignoring his comments completely, just gazing at each other with
an intensive eye-contact.

Some minutes ago there had been a brawl near the door, but before he could
stand up and intervene, two other men had helped the one who'd been in
trouble. One of them - Sheriff Brock didn't quite understand what was going
on - was trying to appease another man who'd come along and who looked very
confused and frightened. The other two men... Sheriff Brock's jaw clapped
down in surprise: They were standing midst the knocked out men and kissed
each other. O.K. He was a tolerante, open-minded man, he didn't have ANY
prejudices against homos, but did they have to live their sexuality in

Sheriff Brock hadn't listened to the conversations of his neighbours at
table and was astonished and a bit relieved when they stood up, staring at
each other like two lurking tigers. Then, to his horrors, Skinner pushed
Lucas against the wall, not to fight with him, but to kiss him ferociously.
Maybe it was a kind of fight, because Lucas greedily grabbed Skinner's shirt
and ripped it apart.

Sheriff Brock whimpered and buried his head in his hands. "I want to go
home!" he whined. Rome, Wisconsin was such a quiet, idyllic place in
comparission to that!

A half dozen men entered Sergant Pepper's lonely hearts club, each of them
wearing black suits with black ties and black shoes. They looked around in
annoyance, and one of them, an elder, massive one, started to rail: "As if
we didn't already have enough problems without all of them leaving their

"But Z," a tall black man in black said, "I don't know what's so bad about
that. They seem to have a lot of fun."

Obviously he especially meant the two pairings, not the three unconscious
men on the floor and certainly not the one who tried to escape another man
wearing an uniform that looked like a pair of pyjamas.

"Do you know what a chaos develops whenever they meet?" An elder man with
dark hair and a character face asked. "Last year a Cardassian entered the
beach of Baywatch. When David Hasselhoff in red speedos stepped out of the
water, the poor extraterrestrial was so frightened that he started to shoot
at Hasselhoff. What a luck that he didn't hit him!"

"I'm not sure if I would call that luck." the black man in black murmured.

"O.K.then, all look here, please!" the elder man called and stepped into the
middle of the room. "Look here to the light!"

The men in black all put on black sun glasses.

Marcus looked unnerved at the man. He was really disturbing, especially
since Krycek now cupped his buttocks with his experienced hands.

(The author stared frowning at the computer screen, as she remembered that
Krycek was an amputee, so she could hardly write about his two hands. Then
she decided simply to ignore it.)

Krycek looked angrily at the disturber. He was tempted to shoot him.

Lucas Buck wondered who dared to disturb him, now, that he'd met such a
challenging man, and looked annoyed into the direction the voice was coming

Skinner was astonished because he'd thought the men in black were just one
of Mulder's fantasies.

Sheriff Brock wondered what strange things he would see now.

Kronos awoke and looked dazedly around. His companions Caspian and Silas
were also awaking, and between them the boy they'd wanted to take out the
door and the impudent man who'd disturbed them were standing in a fervent
embrace. But where were they staring to? Ah, a man in black was holding a
strange thing into the air. The Horsemen Of Evil looked at him in curiosity.

Dr Bashir, always easy to distract, turned away from the paranoic and looked
exitedly at the men in black.

Tom Veil took the chance to hide behind a counter. A red, bright light
floated the club. When Tom carefully gazed over the counter he saw with
terror that all of the others, except the men in black, were standing at
their places with a frightening empty look on their faces.

The men in black took off the sun glasses and started to separate the
paralytic men, who let that happen lacking any will-power. Tom Veil shivered
with awe. He hadn't known that the organisation was capable of that.

"OK, then everyone needs a new memory." the man in the middle of the room
ordered. "And a nice one!" he added gazing at the black man in black.

So that was what they'd done to Tom's family, when they didn't recognize him
anymore! He had to get out of here! Tom headed for the door, reached it and
run out.

"Damn!" K cursed. "Tom Veil has escaped. Come J, we have to catch him before
he causes any damage!"

And so it ends with Tom being chased by strange men - nothing new to him.

The End