05.11.98
Disclaimer: Chris Carter is the happy guy who owns them. I'm the
one who
cares for them.
Ratings: I guess between R and NC-17, nearer to R. The sequel
will be NC-17,
I promise!
Pairing: M/K
Spoilers: Tunguska
Summary: A prison cell, two gorgeous guys, burning desire
Thanks to:
1)Foxwoman and my sister for beta-reading
2)Depeche Mode for inspiration. The quotation is taken from their
song
>>I want you now<<
Feedback always welcome: mochr.hoefig@waischenfeld.baynet.de
Moments of deep emotions , Part I : Burning Desire
by Ratwoman
>>I want you now
tomorrow won't do
there's a yearning inside
and it's showing through
reach out your hands
and accept my love
we've been waiting for too long
enough is enough
I want you now<<
He's not sleeping. I hear him rolling from side to side, obviously
searching
for a comfortable position on the hard plank-bed. Or is he thinking
about
the same things as I? Ridiculous! As if he could want me after
all the
times I've beaten him up and treated him like a piece of dirt.
Like the
piece of dirt he is, this murderer, betrayer, traitor and liar.
And yet...
yet I want him. I want to hold his slender body, taste his skin,
I want to
believe that he never deceived me, that he never shot my father.
And yet I
want him. But all I do is stare holes into the air.
Is he sleeping? He's lying quietly on his plank-bed, making no
sound, no
move at all. If I shut my eyes I could perhaps forget that he's
so near. But
when I close my eyes, I see him, his shining eyes, his slender
form, his
hands, his sensual lower lip... I can't sleep, he's too close,
within
reach. I just need to take a few steps to be beside him, to touch
him... Oh
how I want him, how I wish to be with him, to feel his skin on
mine, to
close his lips with mine, to explore every inch of his body...
I can't bear
it no longer, I want him, now, tomorrow may be too late, they
may kill us
if I can't convince them not to do so. I'm trembling, I can't
control the
shivering. I want him, I need him, I can't wait any longer. I
will take him,
wether he likes it or not!
He stands up, I hear him move. I hope, I wish that he'll come
to me, that
the same need as mine drives him. But he stops at the small window
and
stares out into the night. The dim moonlight just shows a black
silhouette
of his slender form, but that's more than enough. I can hardly
bear it any
longer now that I also see him. His slender form, his quite broad
shoulders,
his slim hips...It does not help to look away or close my eyes,
for I can
still see his picture, his eyes with the incredible lashes, his
muscular,
yet slender, graceful body, his ass... Does he know that I keep
staring at
his ass at any opportunity? He stands at the window without moving
at all,
like a marble statue. Yes, like one of the antique greek statues,
he has a
lot in common with them. My Adonis. I want to stand up and step
right behind
him, close my arms around his slim waist and just feel him close
to me. But
what did he say just hours ago? "Don't ever touch me again!"
Yes, I want him. But if I frighten him, I'll lose him forever.
So I give up
my plans to take what I need with or without his consent and just
stare into
the night. It's a clear night, I can see the stars, but I don't
really see
them. Instead I see Mulder's eyes gleaming in the sky, and over
there, don't
they form Mulder's face? I'm sure he's staring at me, I can feel
it in my
back. Why? Does it mean he wants me, too? Oh sure, Alex, you've
just killed
or hurt everyone important to him, why should that make him shrink
back? And
certainly he just keeps beating you because he really wants to
fuck you!
Stop dreaming, Alex! My heart is racing, my blood is rushing through
my
veins, burning like fire, and his mere presence makes my member
stand
painfully aching against my pants. What shall I do? God, what
can I do? I
turn around and sink trembling to the floor, but not because of
the cold. I
can see Mulder in the pale light, he's sitting upright on the
bed, looking
into my direction. If I just knew what he's thinking...
I'm even aroused when all I see is his silhouette in the pale
moonlight.
He's out of sight now, sitting on the floor below the window,
but that
doesn't make it any better. I feel this aching, burning in my
groin and
everywhere else, as I never felt before. I want him, I long for
him, I burn
for him. I can't wait any longer. It's so dark that I hardly see
my feet
when I stand up and walk towards the window, towards him. As I
can see his
shadowy form, I squat down in front of him. I can see his face
now, his
skin looks pale in the moon light, his huge eyes like deep, dark
lakes. I
wonder if he thinks that I'm going to beat him like I always do.
No need to
worry. I don't want to beat him. I also don't want to rape him.
"Don't touch
me again!" Did he just want to say "don't beat me again",
or did he mean it
literally?
He's here. Right in front of me. What shall I do? What does he
want me to do?
I'm playing in my head through all the different possibilities
from
confessing my feelings to just falling upon him like a savage
animal, but
there's a catch in all of them: if he doesn't want me half as
much as I want
him, he'll be disgusted by my actions. That would forever destroy
my chances
for getting him. As if there where any. I have not the slightest
chance of
getting him since the day I've sealed my deal with Cancerman.
My deal with
the devil. Maybe if Mulder was weaker than I, I could take him
without his
agreement, but that's not what I want. Besides, I'm no rapist,
that's a
level I'm not willing to sink down to. If he could just do something,
or
tell me why he's here, sitting face to me? As I can't bear it
any longer I
ask, my voice sounding hoarse: "What do you want, Mulder?"
I want you. Of course I can't answer that, he doesn't seem to
feel the same,
or how should I interpret his question? He's wondering why I'm
here, so near
to him, maybe he's afraid that I intend to beat him again. So
I stay silent
as I rise to my feet and take a step back. I don't know how to
stand the
night being in the same room as he is, but certainly I won't touch
him as
long as he doesn't want it. I intend to go back to bed, but as
I turn around,
his breaking voice, calling out my name in a desperate tone, freezes
me.I
squat down again, hope relieving my aching heart. "Alex?"
I hear my voice
say.
So silently that I can hardly understand him, he whispers: "Please."
Can it be? I have to be sure, I can't fall upon him like a monster.
"Please
what?" I ask, trying to make my voice sound tender, but it's
husky,
everything but tender.
"Don't go!" he whispers, his huge eyes staring at
me like a drowning man
at a life-line. He wants me? Everything inside me sings. I'm happy,
forgetting
where I am, who we are, joy is overwhelming me, and so I don't
realize that
I'm cruel to him when I'm joking: "That's a strange plea,
Alex. You know
that I CAN'T go, we're imprisioned."
Now that he found out, he's making fun of me. It's like I was
afraid of, no,
it's worse. It feels like broken glass cutting into my heart as
I realize
that he knows about my feelings but doesn't seem to share them.
Cruel, cruel
Mulder not just turns away in disgust, he's playing games with
me. I can't
stand that, I must go. Well, go I can't very far, all I can do
is take a
few steps aside, but Mulder holds me back. His touch is electrisizing,
even
'though he just holds me at my arm. "Where are you going?"
he asks. In a
bitter voice I imitate his earlier answer: "That's a strange
question,
Mulder. You know that I can't go anywhere, we're imprisoned."
I want to shake off his grip, but... he takes my face into his
free hand
and forces me to look at him. Looking into my eyes he says: "I'm
sorry that
I was joking when you were serious, Alex, but I want you to know:
I want you
now."
The End of the Beginning